Easily Frozen
by Wolkje
Summary: Squall is haunted by many things. Regrets. Memories of lost ones. A certain icy guardian force, threatening to end his life as he knows it, to the point of insanity. eventual yaoi SxS
1. The End of the Beginning

I don't own any of the characters in this story, as they belong to square enix. The plot however, is mine.

Eventual yaoi will ensue (SeiferxSquall), hence the M rating. So if you're not keen about malexmale content, consider yourself warned.

Please review! This is my first story ever.

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**Chapter One ~ The End of the Beginning  
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Squall was so very weary. During the war he never had had the time to stop for a minute's rest, operating solely on adrenaline and willing his weaknesses away. Now, when he finally had the time to sleep and even doctor Kadowaki's advice to do so more often, he couldn't. His sleep was restless to say the least. In fact he felt more tired with every passing day. He dreaded falling asleep, not because he suffered of nightmares. If he had any at all, he didn't remember them. He dreaded falling asleep, because afterwards you have to wake up again. The entire process of having to face reality anew repeated over and over again, every single morning. It was during these first waking moments after sleep that his fears and regrets came crashing down on him in full force, taking advantage of his temporary state of confusion and weakness. Squall desperately wanted to just lie in bed all day long to avoid the mess his life had become. But pale morning light shone through his half closed blinds, denying him any further rest. He hoisted himself in an upright position and rubbed his brow profusely in an attempt to clear his foggy mind. Unsuccessfully.

For days Squall had hoped it had all been nothing but a nightmare. Just another one of Ultimecia's tricks. That somehow he was still trapped in Time Compression and that this ... all of this ... was just an illusion. That things hadn't ended up the way they did. For any of them. _Hyne._ Today wasn't going to be a good day.

"Ok. Just _stop_ thinking. Get a grip. Get up. Get ready. Go see Kadowaki. Reassure everyone so they'll get of your case. Easy, right?"

Right. He got up and shuffled his way towards his bathroom. Hopefully he would be able to get some running water today. He could feel Shiva in the back of his mind, little laughs resounding within his skull like crystal bells. Their mocking tone didn't escape him, but he could tell she felt lazy and relatively accommodating for now. She wouldn't freeze up the water pipes this time. Quickly he stepped under the shower head, not bothering to wait for the water to heat up thus letting unmercifully cold water cascade down his back. He had gotten numb to the icy cold a long time ago, not caring much for heat anymore anyway. That scared him. At first he had desperately tried to stay warm, cowering from Shiva's overwhelming presence in his mind. He had protested her sudden and violent invasion. But as time progressed he had gotten used to the cold, it became a part of him. His pale skin was freezing to the touch and his lips had changed from soft pink to an unhealthy looking shade of blue. Eyes clouded over by stormy ice stared out into the world, apathy molded in with the shifting hues of blue and cool silver .

The cold did not only alienate him from his own body, but also from other people, providing him with thick icy armor he could only have dreamt of in his years prior to the war. Shutting out others was becoming an increasingly easy feat. To Squall it was ironic, a little funny even, how true his former nickname 'Ice Prince' turned out to be. He chuckled bitterly to himself but stopped abruptly as he noticed the first droplets of water rolling down his body freezing over and accumulating at his feet. Quickly he hurried out from under the shower before his feet got frozen stuck to the basin. As he toweled himself down, preventing ice from clinging to his skin and hair, he quietly cursed under his breath. He could hear her amused laughter ringing in his ears, reveling in his displeasure.

"Soon Kadowaki will find out what the hell is wrong with me. Then I'll kick you out of my head myself. And quit taunting me."

~_Why so annoyed, Little Lion? Don't you like me anymore now that I have a will of my own?_~

Suddenly her playful tone turned vicious, a promise of vengeance chilling her every word.

_~You should have learned by now to take me a little bit more seriously. Taunts? Consider them threats. You feel how I grow stronger. Poor Little Lion. You were foolish enough to enslave me in the past and _use_ me for your own self-righteous ends. Now I shall enslave _you_. I have enough patience to weather a thousand ice ages. But you, a mere mortal, are running out of time. You know I can't be held off much longer.~_

"So you have been saying for months. I'm not intimidated by you."

He fought of the unease Shiva's words had brought about and decided that maybe paying Kadowaki a visit wasn't such a bad idea after all. Squall had avoided her, afraid of what she might have to tell him, but now he needed answers. He needed to know Shiva was just throwing him empty threats out of resentment. Never had he realized what vengeful creatures guardian forces could be. The fact that they sustained themselves by consuming their memories was something Squall had been able to accept. But this... He had thought that Shiva and him were compatible, good in battle together. Had she always felt this way? Had Ultimecia poisoned and twisted her into hating him? He quickly shook his head to chase away any thoughts concerning Ultimecia. Even though she was gone now, in her last moments she had made sure that all who had faced her would face anguish.

Everything was so fucked up. Squall's mind betrayed him as it wandered back to that day. Slowly he squatted down awkwardly in his sofa, towel still draped around his waist, and he let himself relive all the events he so desperately wanted to change - like rubbing salt into his wounds.

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*** _flashback_ ***

He had done it. He was a hero! He had defeated Ultimecia. He had saved the world. And this was his reward. A party to celebrate their victory, a beautiful date to accompany him there and a bright future as her Knight. An unnatural smile was etched into his features as hazy eyes settled on the pretty raven haired girl standing beside him. She beckoned him with a seductive smile and one slender pale finger raised in the air, requesting a dance. She was gorgeous. Squall felt his feet carry him to her, like being pulled along by a thread, but he ignored the odd sensation, all the while beaming at his girl. His Sorceress. He collected her in his arms and placed a warm kiss on her rosy little mouth. Letting a soft sigh escape she huddled closer into the hug, forgetting all about the dance. He was so happy. _Am I?_ Yes!

Rinoa's silken hair tickled his nose as she raised her head and gave him a radiant smile. "Isn't this a lovely party? Everybody's being so goofy, but I guess that's normal. Venting all their piled up stress and everything." Squall nodded. It was a lovely party... _I hate parties._

"Don't be silly! You don't hate parties. Look at how much fun you're having." Rinoa cocked her head to one side, looking up at him with big doe like eyes , urging him to agree. Had he said that aloud? He wasn't even aware he was the one thinking it. _This is confusing._ Yes it was...

"Come on. Enough loitering about, we can't stay on this balcony all night long. You need to be a little bit more sociable, mister!" Rinoa prodded him in the chest, a mock stern expression quickly giving way to another smile. She was all giggles and smiles tonight. He loved that about her. Squall involuntarily blinked at this thought. _I love her?_

"Awww! I love you too, sweety. But you can't keep me all to yourself tonight. It's a party! Let's go say hello to Cid and Edea." Eagerly she pulled her boyfriend over to the party to 'mingle' with the people present. Squall felt happy to oblige, but suddenly - as he was dragged across the dance floor - he was starting to get a little fuzzy around the edges and the music started blaring unpleasantly in his ears. He figured he probably just had a little too much to drink, although he couldn't quite remember just when he had done this supposed drinking. The music became unbearably loud and distorted. How didn't anyone notice this racket?

"What does that DJ think he's doing? He's giving me a headache."

"What darling? You don't like this song?" She cast him a curious look. Squall had his head clutched in his hands and a frown adorning his brow, feeling increasingly nauseous. As the room started to close in on him, threatening to bring him to his knees, Rinoa threw his right arm over her shoulder and guided him to the side of the ballroom.

"Are you feeling alright? Is it the crowd that's getting to you? Maybe you should go sit down for a while. I'll go get you some water." She sounded panicked and all color had left her doll like face.

"Yeah, probably just tired and a bit claustrophobic." She nodded, taking his reassurance as her cue to go fetch him something to drink. He watched her disappear in the direction of the bar and slumped back against the wall. What on earth was going on? He had never been claustrophobic before. Why now? He tried to focus on the ongoing party to distract himself from his discomfort, but something wasn't quite right.

Zell was scarfing down hot dogs, which he had been doing so for the past two hours. Even for Zell, that was a bit much. The blonde seemed transfixed, his eyes only seeing the food in front of him.

"Hey! Zell! Easy with the ..." Zell's head shot up in surprise, as he looked in the direction Squall's yell had come from. His baby blue eyes seemed off, not really seeing Squall. And wasn't his tattoo supposed to be on the other side of his face? Squall was about to shrug it away, as suddenly an image of blood and burnt flesh overlapped Zell's features. But it disappeared just as soon as he had blinked. Zell had gone back to stuffing himself, unaware of Squall's sudden distress.

Shaking his head, he felt like he was forgetting something. Something important. He let his eyes trail over the crowd in search of any other unusual sign. Quistis was still talking to Cid and Edea. All three of them had an eerie air about them. Too much smiles. Were they shaking hands _again_? How long had they been standing there? Irvine kept pulling the same redhead into his lap, smiling his lazy grin and tipping his hat back. But his eyes were empty as he flirted shamelessly with the giggling girl.

Selphie came up to him, disrupting his line of sight and asking if he wanted to join the Festival Committee. The second time this night. Now he was sure something was wrong. He was very _very_ sure Selphie would not forget such a hesitantly granted promise so quickly. She would much rather rub it in and exploit it to her best sadistic party planning abilities.

"You already asked this. An hour ago, remember? I told you that any plans would have to be postponed due to budgetary problems, now that NORG is gone, but that I would do my best to..." Selphie looked at him, not understanding.

"So that means you'll join, right?

"No, Selphie, there won't be a festival just yet. What is going on with you? Something here is really..." He stopped midsentence as he saw Rinoa making her way back with a glass of water in her hands. At the lack of any further response, Selphie just shrugged and skipped towards the dance floor. Rinoa now stalked up to him a little faster. She seemed ... upset. Had she noticed as well?

"Rinoa. Thank Hyne you're here. Everybody's acting strangely and the atmosphere is ... wrong... Like I can't breathe. The air is so thick. It ... well, it feels like sorcery." Rinoa was not happy to hear this. Her face clouded over and she suddenly sounded hoarse and angered, very unlike her usual melodious voice.

"What exactly are you accusing me of?" she bit out tersely.

"What? No! I just... Don't you think everyone is being weird?" Squalls head was throbbing with pain now. It felt almost like a menacing presence was looming over him, strangling him, pushing and pulling him.

"Just because you are incapable of relaxing and having fun, doesn't mean others can't! They're not the ones being weird. You are! Why are you blaming me?! Just because I am a sorceress, I'm supposedly evil?!!" She was screaming now, her eyes taking on a dangerous glint and the air shifting about her. Squall heard alarm bells ringing in his head and he instantly knew he had to calm her down. She couldn't go rogue. He would lose her if she did. He loved her! _No, you don't! This is wrong!_ But he had to get her to relax!

"Rinoa, just calm down! That's not what I meant at all. Just ... just calm down. I ... I love you, so... just listen to me..."

"_Shut _up! You don't love me! She ... She was right, you know. Even here in this place, where everything is perfect, where _we_ are perfect, you rebel! You fight me and my magic. Is being with me so bad? Why can't I be with you?! I... I'm not evil. I'm not. I just wanted to be with you..." She sagged down to the floor, her words trailing off.

"Oh Squall ... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."

Nothing made sense anymore. He wasn't willing to accept the meaning of her words, but as he felt the pull of invisible strings that had tugged at his every move and thought dissolve, he understood. The fanatic affection he had cherished for Rinoa seconds ago had disappeared, his unquestioning devotion gone. The ballroom disintegrated around them and the party guests along with it, leaving only him and Rinoa out in the grey wasteland of Time Compression. He felt dread creeping up on him.

"You didn't ..."

Rinoa didn't look at him, head cast downwards, shoulders shaking with sobs.

"Oh, my dear SeeD! She did! It was not very diffikult to konvince her, I must say. For I am her and she is me..."

Squall spinned around as fast as possible and rested his eyes on the Sorceress before him. He couldn't believe his eyes. They had defeated her! They had gotten home and days had passed since then. And he and Rinoa... They... _Hyne..._

"I killed you." Ultimecia merely threw her head back and laughed.

"You only thought you did, Kursed SeeD. I must admit you kaught me by surprise at first, leaving me wounded and at the end of my breath. But just an illusion and a fragile girl are enough to kloud your mind, buying me time to heal. Pathetik." She set her eyes on Rinoa and a cruel smile found its way onto thin, red lips.

"Kome here, child. Let me konsole you. You see that what I told you is true. I never lie. He does not love you. He loves another. I gave you your chance. You failed. You kannot keep him! He must die! Wouldn't you agree?" Rinoa shook her head vehemently, shivering. All the while Squall tried to move, tried to speak, tried to do something, but he found himself petrified and tied to the floor by tendrils of magic emanating from the dirt beneath him. Ultimecia continued smiling. He wanted to reach out for Rinoa, tell her that things would be ok, that he understood. _I don't understand! Not any of it. RINOA!_

"No! He might not love me, but I love him! You can't hurt him! I won't let you!"

"Foolish child. You have hurt him already. And you will do so even more in the future. You are a Sorceress. He is a SeeD. It is set in stone. This misplaced affektion of yours kannot be. I know it kannot. I have tried. I loved him once too. But love is a kruel and wasted emotion. You are weak! I was weak! My past is different from you future, bekause I have disrupted the flow of time. But we are still one and the same, Rinoa! I am your future, have seen your future. Believe me when I say that he will betray you. He already has in my memories. He threw me away!... for ... for _that_ ..."

Ultimecia seemed to be losing her composure, insanity raising with the second. Her eyes glowed in a dangerous golden color, glancing past but refusing to fixate on Squall. He was now not even trying to budge anymore, too perplexed by what he was witnessing and hearing. It just couldn't be. He could not see Rinoa, but he heard she had stopped crying. He desperately hoped it meant she had gotten her right mind back. _Don't listen to her! You are Rinoa. Not her. It's not too late yet..._

"He'll throw me away? For someone else?" She sounded scared and small, her voice trembling.

"Yes. But don't worry, my child. I have already broken and killed this love. And together we can exakt our revenge. The world will hate you, Rinoa, for you are a Sorceress. Hate it bak. Kill your attachment to this world! Kill your feelings for this man, as have I. Let us bekome one again and reign the realms of Time Kompression." A long silence stretched on, when suddenly Rinoa spoke up.

"Yes..."

Squall wanted to scream when he saw her walking past him. He tried catching her attention, but couldn't do a thing because of Ultimecia's magic suffocating him. Never in his life had he ever felt so utterly helpless. He felt tears burning in his eyes.

Rinoa now stood in front of the insane Sorceress, arms stretched out towards her. Ultimecia laughed victoriously and closed her arms around the quivering girl, stroking her ebony hair.

"Any last words for this ... _man_?" Rinoa slowly turned to look at him, a sad expression marring her beautiful face.

"Squall. I... I'm sorry. But... I can't go on like this. She's right. I am who I am. I am ...Ultimecia. Or at least I will be. I don't understand this, but it's all I can do. I never belonged, you know. My father despised me. None of your friends liked me, since I wasn't a part of your little orphanage gang. All of you thought the Forest Owls were nothing but a joke. Even you... Everybody was fighting and running ahead. I was always lagging behind. And you. You never stuck up for me. Only when I became a Sorceress did I become important to you. Something to protect. Something to protect the world from. A pet project. But never someone you loved. Squall. I... I _hate _you!"

"And so do I. Now kome to me. Do not be afraid. I will merge your consciousness with mine and we shall be reborn. You will know everything I know, remember everything I remember. And I will be komplete again, all my powers intakt, stronger than ever. We will never be alone again! Not looked down upon nor shunned! Rinoa. My other me. Let us begin."

Rinoa nodded hesitantly and placed her small hands in Ultimecia's. Squall could see her frail figure shiver slightly, but he couldn't see her face. His mind had gone numb with shock. His entire being was crying out for Rinoa, but in vain. She had made her decision. And Squall would have to make his. Tears were now streaming freely down his cheeks. The two women in front of him seemed to emit a golden light, their hair floating aloft in the gravity defying atmosphere around them, which was crackling with energy. Winds started to rage about them, blowing up the dust at their feet, forming big clouds that enshrouded them and hid them from Squalls view. Every now and then a golden beam of light violently broke through the dust cloud, but Squall couldn't see anything nor could he hear anything over the howling wind that was tearing at his clothes.

It felt like it would never stop. The heavy air laden with magical energy weighed down on him and sweat formed on his brow. It was getting very hot because of the searing golden light, which grew in brightness by the minute. Soon Squall had to close his eyes, cowering away from the light that seemed to pierce into his very core. But he felt the magic tendrils keeping him in place weakening. He could move his arms a little and the power of the magic detaining him was declining still. It meant Ultimecia was exhausting herself and didn't have much energy to spare. It gave him hope.

Until the dust cloud settled down and the bright light died away, revealing a frail, yet regal woman. Raven black hair like Rinoa's floated in the air behind the woman as she walked towards him. Big almond shaped eyes flickered between hazel and gold. The strange tattoo's that had been littered across Ultimecia's skin now gleamed slightly altered on the skin of this strange woman. She was younger than Ultimecia had been, but older than Rinoa. That rosy little mouth now carried a cruel Sorceress' smile. She looked so much like Rinoa, Squall felt sick to his stomach. He would never be able to kill her. She walked up to him, swaying her hips as if seducing the restrained man in front of her.

"Rinoa?"

"We are Ultimecia. And you are nothing but an unsightly worm. We will kill you in due time, but first We will have our fun. As with those other worms." She made a swift little movement with her left hand and Squall felt he could move again from the neck up. He stared up into the woman's eyes intensely, trying to find a trace of Rinoa in there. But all that stared back at him was hate and insanity. Hearing what she had just said, realization dawned on him. His friends.

_Oh Hyne. No... No!_ "What did you do to them! Where are they? I will kill you!!!" She only chuckled at his outburst.

"Aren't you the slow one? Only now you think of your komrades? What a lousy friend you are. Not to worry. They still live. Barely. Shall We take you to see them? We will even give you some privacy to ... katch up."

The world shifted around him, disorientating his senses and nauseating him, when suddenly he smacked down on the ground, able to move again. His muscles ached tremendously and his legs almost buckled as he tried to stand up. Ultimecia's laughter still rang in his ears. When he looked up he saw the place looked exactly like the desolate realm he had just been transported away from. There was no way to orientate within Time Compression. Ultimecia was toying with him.

"Squall?" A worried voice. Quistis' voice. "Squall. Is that you?"

She sounded uncertain and so afraid. Squall spotted her away in the distance, even though her voice had sounded so nearby. He hurried over to where she and the others were slouched down on the dusty, rock littered floor and opened his mouth to speak, but felt dread at what he witnessed. Selphie was sitting down, knees pulled up against her chest and arms wrapped around them. Vicious cuts and bruises covered her frail body, but they didn't seem life threatening. It was her empty gaze that worried Squall. She sat perfectly still, didn't move as much as an inch nor did she utter a word at Squall's arrival. What had caused her to be like this? His eyes trailed further to a worried cowboy huddled beside Selphie. Irvine looked up at Squall only to quickly cast his eyes back down. The man didn't seem hurt, but Squall could tell he was sick with worry over the girl beside him, who should be bubbling with energy.

It is when he saw Quistis cradling Zell in her arms, that his heart came to a stop. Teary tracks tracing her dirt covered face bore witness to her distress. Blood pooled beneath her shapely legs. Not her own blood. The entire left side of Zell's face and torso was severely burned, blackened flesh oozing blood with every pulse of his heartbeat. The tribal tattoo Zell had loved to boast about was now charred and rendered unrecognizable, his left eye bulging and horrid looking. The contrast of the burns with the smooth healthy skin on Zell's right side was vast and only intensified the grueling effect of his wounds. He was missing his left arm from the elbow down. When Quistis' saw Squall's horror stricken expression, she softly explained what had happened.

"Ultimecia... she did something to Rinoa. And Rinoa... she ripped our GF's out of our minds. Killed them. One after the other. We weren't strong enough to stop her. Selphie, she couldn't handle it. Carbuncle and Leviathan, you know. She collapsed. We think Rinoa ripped away more than just her GF's, accidentally or not. Zell got furious, attacked Rinoa. But she ... she did this. And left us here. All the time you just stood there, like under some kind of spell. She said she was taking you away from us. I ... I was so afraid, Squall. I couldn't do anything. All our guardian forces are gone, we don't have any magic or junctions. There's nothing we could do for Zell. Please tell me you can help him?" She looked at him with pleading eyes.

"I still have my GF's and some healing magic, but nothing potent enough to undo all of this ... damage. I'll try."

Quistis nodded and moved aside, giving Squall some room to work with. The strongest healing spell he had left was Cura, five of them, and some weak healing items. He guided all of it into Zell's struggling body. The many bleeding and oozing wounds on his left side closed up and healed over sloppily, leaving behind raw, light pink scar tissue. He had stopped the bleeding and was happy to discover there weren't any broken bones or internal ruptures. But Squall could do nothing for the lost left eye and arm. In any case, Zell would live, if they could get out of here quickly enough. He urgently needed to have medication and a blood transfusion administered to him. He had lost too much blood and was too weakened to last out here for long. Squall sat back after he finished the patch up works on his friend. Quistis looked at him questioningly.

"He's stable for now. I got him to stop bleeding. But he needs help and fast."

She didn't bother asking him about the arm and eye. Quistis knew a lost cause when she saw one and felt grateful enough Zell now had a chance to make it out of this alive.

"Thanks Squall. Let's find a way out of this place."

"Yes, let's try."

But this was easier said than done. Ultimecia had purposely brought him here. He sighed and shook his head, as the painful memory of the events which had happened only moments before passed through his mind. He felt a sickly ache pitting in his stomach again. Despair. She wouldn't just let them go. This was her maze and they were the rats running around in it aimlessly.

"What? What happened?" Quistis suddenly sounded a little panicked. Squall didn't realize how his own facial features had contorted in sorrow.

"Did you ... find him?" This confused him and disrupted his stupor.

"What? Find who?"

"Seifer." She paused and gazed at him uncertainly. "I take it you didn't then. Maybe that's for the best."

"What happened? I taught we defeated him at Lunatic Pandora. He shouldn't be here..."

Irvine turned away from Selphie just enough to join the conversation. "He was 'ere. Ultimecia dragged 'm 'ere. After Rinoa slaughtered our guardians, did this to Selphie 'n Zell and took off with your unconscious ass. That Ultimecia witch went on screaming about how you had betrayed her and how Seifer was this unworthy dog that had bitten it's master. He certainly didn't seem very knightly, lashing out at her and cussin' like mad. Suddenly he just went berserk at one of the things she was screechin' at 'm and I mean _really_ of his rockers, man. He up 'n jumped at the bitch with Hyperion and everything. But he... well... "

Squall released the breath he had been holding. His heart was thumping like mad in his chest. He couldn't take much more of this.

"Well, what? Where is he?"

"He's dead, man. Ultimecia did quite the number on him. Electrocuted the life out of 'm with this real vicious Thundaga spell. Said it was to remind 'm of his own sins. After that, she just kinda flung 'm into this weird ass void, to some other realm in Time Compression. To be rid of 'm I guess."

Squall felt something break inside of him. He also felt a sting of anger at Irvine's harsh and careless account of the matter. _Seifer_.

"Seifer..."

"Yes. We must say it was kuite fun. That _dog_ deserved to be put down. A useless puppet he was, but he served his part well enough. We guess you of all people aren't too heartbroken over his tragik fate, are you now, Skuall? We disposed of your rival for you. Your oh so _beloved_ rival. Now, let us play!"

And with these words she rapidly descended down from a rupture in the air above them. Immediately after Ultimecia had spoken, she lashed out at Squall, her hands glowing in a dark cyan green and flickering in the air, energy amassing around them. He was too slow to dodge her attack and felt her ghost like claws sink into his skull, deeper down into his mind. There she pulled and yanked at every loose thread and lost thought she could find, bulldozing her way through his most secret feelings, straight to the core of his being.

"Squall! Your guardian forces!"

He could hear Quistis' scream, but the sound was too faint to make it out clearly. Unable to move or think properly, he felt Ultimecia ransacking his mind in search for something. Soon she found Diablos and slowly squeezed all life force out of the demon guardian. A void tore its way into Squalls mind as Diablos slipped away from him. She laughed victoriously. _Next_. She dug her nails further into him, unearthing Eden. Eden put up a fierce fight, but was brutally snatched away and smothered in dark and suffocating magic. Squall could feel himself going crazy. _And last but not least...Shiva._ She snickered within his head, her laughter ending in little insane hiccups, drunk with triumph. Squall whimpered internally. Not Shiva. Not her. _Oh yes, her. We'll find her Skuall. We'll defile her and shred her to pieces._

True to her word Ultimecia invaded the deepest recesses of Squall's very essence and found the icy queen Shiva ... waiting for her. Neither Ultimecia nor Squall had been prepared for what happened next. Shiva cast her chilling aura all around the Sorceress, trapping her and freezing her. ~_You cannot have my Little Lion!~_ As violently as Ultimecia had assaulted his mind she was now thrown out of it by Shiva, but not without tearing at her spirit and ripping loose a piece of Shiva's soul. Something putrid and foul started throbbing and spreading its way into her life energy.

"Kursed SeeD! Your trickery ends here. Prepare to die, along with that wench of yours!"

Ultimecia raised her arm, gathering obsidian like shards of magic pointed in Squall's direction. Instinctively he reached for Lionheart at his right hip. Only his arm wasn't moving. Instead he felt himself step forward, his arms raising in the air on their own and conjuring up Diamond Dust. It was far more powerful than he had ever experienced before.

_~Only I can have this Little Lion, witch. He's mine to tame and conquer. You released me and for that you have my thanks. But you also killed my kin and for that you must pay!~ _

The enraged crystalline voice had come from Squall himself. He had no control over his own body as Shiva had taken over and was drawing on his last reserves to sustain his body under the immense pressure the summoning of Diamond Dust exerted. Humans weren't meant to endure such an onslaught of magic. He could die. Sudden fear struck him as he contemplated that maybe Shiva wasn't particularly bothered with this possible outcome. He could feel her anger raging through him and not all of it was directed at Ultimecia.

Suddenly his world imploded on him, searing pain racking through his body as Shiva unleashed Diamond Dust. Simultaneously she infused Lionheart with her icy fury and brought it down to Ultimecia's neck, cleaving of her head with one deadly precise swing of the brightly glowing blade.

*** end of flashback ***

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After that, Squall had gone unconscious, only to wake up days later in the Infirmary of Balamb Garden. Shiva remained at the back of his mind, not securely restrained where she used to be, but given free rein to travel his mind and spirit. At first she had stayed quiet though, which - Squall knew now - was only to regain her strength after defeating a Sorceress. He had felt falsely reassured that it had been a one time only event and that soon Shiva would settle down again. He had been sorely mistaken. Slowly but surely she was acting up again. Finally he had given in to Quistis' demands to get some tests done. He had let doctor Kadowaki take a look at him and today she would inform him of her conclusions concerning the exact status of his condition.

But he had a hard time caring for his own wellbeing, when he felt it was his just punishment. He had screwed up. Rinoa was dead. He should have protected her. He should have loved her. Then none of this would have happened. She would never have started to hate him and would never have become so twisted as Ultimecia had. But now he found it increasingly difficult to think fondly of the good times he had shared with her. There were hardly any. They had only known each other for such a short while. Squall felt like he had never really known her at all. Now all he felt was growing resentment. It distraught him to think his friends had gotten hurt because of her, because of him. He was weak, he had walked right into Ultimecia's trap, right when his friends needed him the most.

Zell was still in Esthar going through revalidation. At first he had been in a lot of pain. 45% of his skin surface had been burned severely. Now he was waiting for a mechanical arm, which was being manufactured by Esthar's best scientists. Squall had been too afraid to go see the young man, but felt sure that Zell must resent him and wasn't all too sad about Squall's continuing absence. He couldn't face him, not yet.

Selphie suffered from complete and total memory loss up from the moment she had left Trabia. She hadn't been able to remember any of the things they had gone through together, but had been delighted at meeting her long lost playmates from the orphanage again. She was the only one still smiling, until she learned of the destruction of Trabia Garden at least. Many of her friends there had died. She had a hard time understanding what had happened and why.

Ironically enough all the others had regained their memories after the loss of their guardian forces. Their GF's, all of them had been wiped out, leaving behind an unsettling emptiness. They all had shared close bonds with their guardians, but now they were gone. Except for Shiva of course.

Irvine, he resented Squall for what happened, blamed him. He thought it to be his fault Selphie was the way she was. Squall agreed. Quistis didn't. She desperately tried to keep everyone together and sane, to no avail.

And Seifer... He was Squall's biggest regret. All along he had been convinced that Seifer had betrayed them and had willingly joined forces with Ultimecia, but now he knew better. He had experienced for himself how easily one could be fooled by the tricks of a Sorceress. If only he had recognized the insanity in those crazed jade eyes for what it had been, there at Lunatic Pandora where he had last seen him. He should have realized it wasn't really Seifer standing there in front of them, raving like a madman.

They might not have been friends in any recent years, but suddenly unearthed memories of his time at the orphanage and the dawning realization that he couldn't remember a time when Seifer wasn't nearby to badger him, caused him to reflect on the bond he had shared with the blond. So many 'what ifs' wandered his mind. Squall had never hated the brazen, arrogant man and missed him more with every passing day. He couldn't really tell why himself. He felt thoroughly confused and devoid of any insight in his own messed up psyche.

Squall hadn't witnessed Seifer's death, but had heard enough to be able to conjure up horrible scenes before his mind's eye. Electrocution. As a reminder for the torture he had put Squall through. He felt sure that this was what Ultimecia had alluded at. Why exactly she had chosen to kill Seifer in this way eluded him. His brain couldn't grapple with any of it any more.

_~My my, dear Little Lion. Keep up like this and I will not even have to seriously try taming you. So much self pity. So much regret. Ultimecia was right. You are pathetic.~_

Squall growled and punched his fist into the nearest wall, only pain rewarding his effort. The temperature in the room had dropped to an all time low and his muscles were sore from the prolonged unnatural position in his sofa.

Today was not going to be a good day.

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A.N: So... Liked it? Hated it? Any tips or comments? Let me know what you think in a review, pretty please! I just want to know if anybody cares about me continuing this story.


	2. Trapped in Ice, Lost in Gold

Here you go, the second chapter is up. Hope you like it!

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**Chapter Two ~ Trapped in Ice, Lost in Gold**

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He was lying in bed, staring at the eerie night sky through his window. There weren't any clouds marring its utter darkness. Only a looming black void stretched across the Alcauld Plains, threatening to nearly entirely engulf the fragile light of distant stars. Dominating the firmament was the moon, large and pale, pulsating with dark grey light. Ever since the Lunar Cry the moon seemed almost angry to Squall. Its cold glow didn't offer him any warmth and put him ill at ease. But he gazed at it all the same. Closing his eyes and letting his focus wander elsewhere wouldn't do him any great deal of good.

Shiva had been quietly but relentlessly singing the same song over and over again. At first it had taken him by surprise, her soft voice sounding like bells, ice and diamonds. But hours later his initial awe had withered with the repetitive melody slowly grating away at his mind. He couldn't sleep like this. She definitely hadn't meant it as a lullaby, the exotic and strange music being melancholic and ominous at the same time. He guessed it made sense. Denying him his sleep and tiring him into a weakened state was a solid strategy, definitely considering the fact that he really needed to keep his wits about him lately to fend her off and stop her from creeping into his words and mannerisms.

He had always found solace in gazing at the nightly heavens, bathing him in often sorely needed solitude and serenity. The act allowed him to collect his thoughts and compose himself when people around him got too close, too demanding or plain annoying. Now it did nothing of the sorts. Solitude was a thing of the past, his every thought accompanied by a mocking and disrupting comment originating from an icy corner within his mind. Any serenity had been thrown out the window long ago. The cadets in the hallways had made a habit out of gawking at him, slowing down their steps whenever he passed by. Irvine still avoided him and made sure that Selphie was kept at what he considered a safe distance as well. The man obviously distrusted Squall's slightly unstable situation and hadn't forgiven him yet for past mistakes. Quistis was simply livid with him, cursing his stubborn refusals to accept help. He hadn't been happy when his former instructor had decided to show up at his appointment with Dr. Kadowaki last week. He had been even less happy to hear Kadowaki's findings.

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*** _flashback_ ***

"Quistis," Squall muttered unenthused, when he spotted her at the entrance of the infirmary. _Why_ in his right mind had he initially considered it a good idea to come and willingly subject himself to the meddling of the two most bossy women Balamb Garden had to offer, Xu and Fujin being close runner ups of course.

"Don't give me that look, Squall. I'm worried about you and want to make sure you do whatever Dr. Kadowaki advises you to. You already waited long enough to see her in the first place as is."

"Whatever. I just want to get this over with."

With these words he turned his back to her and stalked into Dr. Kadowaki's office. Not that she was any bit deterred by his uncaring attitude. Quistis quickly walked up beside him and gave Balamb Garden's resident doctor a warm smile, when the stout woman stood up from behind her desk to welcome them. Her smile faltered when she saw the grave expression Dr. Kadowaki was wearing, her demeanor far more serious than usual.

"Squall. I'm glad you decided to come. And I see you're still lucky enough to have this devoted instructor concerning herself with your health. Hello Quistis. Please. Do sit down."

She gestured at the two chairs lined up at the other side of the desk and sat down herself, seemingly making herself comfortable for what would not be an easy conversation. Squall's head was already starting to hurt at the mere prospect of having to endure this 'consultation'. But he needed to know why Shiva was creating havoc in his brain.

"It's like this. The test results are worrisome but not conclusive. A first important issue is the question as to how Shiva was able to not only withstand Ultimecia's attack but at the same time also take her out, when all other guardian forces were wiped out indiscriminately. One thing that comes to mind is your unusually high compatibility with her, which is unprecedented here at Garden and much higher also than the compatibility rates any other of your team members exhibited with their respective GF's at the time of their annihilation. Maybe Shiva was exceptionally deeply rooted into your mind because of this, much more so than is usually the case. This could to some degree explain why she was able to kick Ultimecia out of your head. It does not, however, explain how she was able to take over your body and conjure up enough strength to defeat such a dangerous foe. I decided to see if I could find anything special on Shiva, distinguishing her from other GF's. And I did. The tests we performed last time, as well as tests done when she first arrived here at Balamb garden, show that there is something strange about her magic. She is the most powerful Guardian Force ever registered at any Garden, regarding raw magical potential. But for some unidentified reason her power drops dramatically once junctioned, as if her magic can't be properly channeled through a host. Of course it is the case with all guardian forces that they are much stronger in their free and unjunctioned form, but considering her latent capacities she should be much more powerful even when junctioned. In reality, once junctioned she's only barely on par with some of the more powerful GF's, like Eden for example. It's illogical and I haven't found an explanation for it yet. But if we assume she was able to tap into her full potential, then Ultimecia's defeat becomes a lot more plausible."

Here Dr. Kadowaki paused, weighing her words and deciding how to continue. She could tell Squall was already growing tired of listening to things he probably had already thought of or figured out by himself. If anyone would know anything of Shiva's true potential, it would be him.

"This brings us to the second issue at hand. How was she able to access all of this power when she was still junctioned to Squall? How was she able to overtake her host and overthrow Squall's hold on his own body? No matter the strength of a GF, once junctioned they should not be able to move on their own, let alone influence the host in such a way as Shiva did with you. I tried looking for answers in your history with Shiva, your training and junctioning. There are ... inconsistencies. Humanoid guardian forces tend to favor those they deem worthy. When they are not forced on an unwanted host and both parties are well attuned to one another, these GF's are capable of communicating and empathizing with their hosts, thus developing a deep bond. Shiva has always been very difficult to handle and tended to stubbornly refuse hosts until you came along. She readily accepted you for longer periods of junctioning and the two of you spent unusually a lot of time together during training sessions as well as outside of them. However she did not start speaking to you until Ultimecia's interference nor did you develop any semblance of deep friendship or attachment, which is in direct contradiction with your high compatibility rate and long history together. From our last consultation I've also gathered that she had consumed a great deal more memories than any of the other GF's had a habit to. All of this points out that however abnormal your situation may be now, the nature of your bond with Shiva was quite intrusive and at the same time emotionally shallow to begin with. I suspect maybe the defensive wall you drew up around yourself extended to Shiva's presence in your mind and hindered normal bonding. You shunned her emotionally, but needed her strength and support. Maybe her own kinship with the Ice element made her personality cold and distant to begin with. Whatever Ultimecia did to Shiva on top of all this might have aggravated this somewhat distorted relationship. Of course this is just conjecture on my part. It's difficult to tell anything for sure."

Squall could only glare at these words. Great. Apparently his own dysfunctional psyche had a hand in mindfucking Shiva over. Of course anyone allowed to sneak a peak in his head would go mad themselves. How fitting. Next to him Quistis' already stern face was tightening over with worry.

"There is more. When I went through the archives trying to find some clues relating to Shiva's peculiar behavior now and in the past, I found something strange. Most guardian forces, if not all of them, were brought in by SeeD mercenaries, who encountered and defeated the creatures during their missions and travels. This means GF's are found in nature - either roaming around freely or latched onto a monster, as you yourselves no doubt have experience with. This is not the case with Shiva. She was found imprisoned in a locket embedded with a strange crystal. A locket belonging to Trabian nobility, that had passed it down from mother to daughter during more than two centuries. This family believed it to be nothing more than a magical trinket. It was not until a SeeD officer from Trabia Garden visited their family estate that the true nature of what they were dealing with was revealed. The family head was quick to donate Shiva to Trabia Garden, wishing to be rid of such a powerful magical being. At that time Trabia Garden itself was still very unfamiliar with guardian forces and in turn decided to pass her on to Balamb Garden. Now considering the locket resided in Trabia for at least two centuries and considering Shiva's obvious alignment with the element Ice, I think it is safe to say she herself also originates from the northern continent. I have already requested Trabia Garden for any contact information they may have for that Trabian clan. The archives here don't even have their name registered, while I think it might be useful to see if they can't provide us with some additional information which was previously overlooked. For instance, how, when and where the family came to obtain this locket in the first place. I expect for Trabia Garden to send an answer next..."

_~The impudence to attempt unearthing my past. It is mine and mine alone. Make her stop before I stop her myself!~_

Squall had felt Shiva growing more restless and hostile with every word leaving Dr. Kadowaki's mouth. He felt his own hands fisting up painfully and chilling over with rigid ice, his head throbbing with anger that wasn't his own. He couldn't stop himself from trembling in his struggle to keep Shiva at bay and experienced great difficulty speaking without letting Shiva's curses roll over his tongue.

"Doctor, please stop. Shiva's angry." It was all he could utter as his voice broke, forced to focus all his attention on the battle of wills that was now crashing through his skull and demanding all his strength. Vaguely Squall could discern Dr. Kadowaki's calm voice addressing the angered Ice Goddess.

"I understand. I'll stop. Just let Squall go. You're straining his system far beyond what he can take. If he dies, you cannot survive either. I will not mention any of this anymore, so please settle down."

_~No human tells me when to settle down!~_

But in spite of her words she apparently had taken Dr. Kadowaki's words for the truth that it presented and started to loosen her grip on Squall, receding back into his mind. Slowly Squall regained his senses and managed to unclench his sore fists. _Fuck_. That had _not_ been pleasant. And for it to happen right in front of the two people he least wanted to expose this weakness to.

He could feel Shiva was now steadily relaxing, though still wary of the doctor, who was only mildly startled by her outburst. When Squall finally dared looking up to meet their gazes, he noticed Quistis and Dr. Kadowaki were shivering uncontrollably and had their arms wrapped around their bodies in an attempt to keep themselves warm, their breath puffing out in little clouds of vapor. Squall hadn't noticed the room growing so cold. His own breathing didn't show in the air at all and from what he could see his pale skin had turned alarmingly blue. Quistis stared at him wide-eyed, her mouth slightly agape with shock. She clearly hadn't expected Shiva to be quite this fierce. But quickly she managed to recover her wits and went about casting a Fire spell, keeping it afloat in the room to provide them with some heat. Dr. Kadowaki merely regarded Squall in an unfazed manner, her facial expression even graver than when he had first come in. She stood up to make her way to the cabinets and cooling units filled with potions, medicines and precious blood supplies needed for the more lengthy surgical procedures. After heaving a long, deep sigh, she spoke up again.

"Just as I feared. Frozen. None of it can be used anymore. Let's hope there aren't any cadets foolish enough to get themselves seriously injured today." With these words she turned around again to face the two SeeDs sitting in front of her. Squall started to feel a little uneasy, when all amicability left Dr. Kadowaki's features as she fixated her stern gaze on him.

"I already had an inkling about the potential danger Shiva is posing to your health, but I do not appreciate you concealing the true extent of her intrusion into your mind. This cannot be the first occurrence of such a strong outward manifestation of her hold on you, yet you mentioned nothing of the sort during our last consultation. The situation is far more serious than I had initially thought and far graver than you initially let on."

_Here we go._ As Dr. Kadowaki continued her angry lecture, Squall pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, wanting to leave badly now. So far this appointment wasn't going very well, only managing to get him into even deeper trouble.

"She can't be forcefully unjunctioned. At the same time you can't summon her, nor use magic or junctions. Shiva hinders your junctioning with any other guardian force. She's roaming free in your mind, influencing your thoughts and manipulating your actions. For some reason she's growing stronger, yet no longer needs to feed on your memories to do so. The readings we're getting regarding the magical aura you're emanating are upsetting, suggesting she's steadily accessing her full magical potential, which in theory she shouldn't even be able to do while still junctioned. We're speaking of high level exposure to high level magic, of which the pressure you can't survive in the long run. You simply can't afford to be this self neglecting. She is out of control. _You_ are out of control. Something has to be done about this, but I'm afraid there isn't much I can do for you. Not after what I just witnessed. I can speculate and draw up hypotheses, but can't offer you the help you need. I may be a doctor, but I'm only equipped to treat emergencies occurring here at Balamb Garden. You need a scientist specializing in magic and guardian forces. The only option I see left is for you to go to Esthar. Odine is the only one that might be able to aid you. It is his research that allowed us to harness the power of guardian forces in the first place."

_~NO!~_ Shiva's command, echoing loudly within his skull, was unyielding and unforgiving in its force.

_~I will not allow it. Odine is a madman. I have no desire to become his lab rat nor do you, I suspect. Consider his sick interest in Ellone and Rinoa. He'll just confine you, analyze and test you, _hurt_ you for his own research. And in the end he will be just as incompetent as this 'doctor' Kadowaki. He won't help you, Little Lion. Don't do something you'll regret. Something I will make you regret.~ _

As Shiva spoke these chilled words, she stayed calm whilst glaring at the two women in the infirmary from behind Squall's eyes, careful not to alert them to the fact that she was still listening in to the conversation and trying to influence Squall's decision making. He realized this all too well, but found himself just as reluctant as Shiva to be handed over to Odine of all lunatics. To be subjected to endless series of tests and experiments, likely none to his own betterment, was _not_ his idea of great help. He would also no longer be able to avoid facing Zell, something he wasn't ready for just yet. And for some reason, he disliked Esthar. Everything about it rubbed him the wrong way. From its idiotic president to its imposing glass skyscrapers and walkways. Maybe he was just biased because of the many unpleasant incidences that had transpired there. Be how it may, once he left for Esthar, who knew when he would be able to return and resume his post. He could be stuck there for months.

"No."

"For Hynes' sake, Squall! You can't possibly fool yourself into believing you're alright!" Quistis' voice was laden with exasperation and worry. She rose from her chair, tightly clutching his shoulders as if to instill some sense of urgency into the reluctant fighter. "Just go, if not for yourself, then at least for us."

" I'm not going anywhere near that harebrained scientist. I've seen his methods and don't care for them. I'll handle it myself."

"Squall!" Her voice had now taken on a more pleading tone, urging him to listen to reason, but he had heard enough. They couldn't help him. If Odine was the only alternative they could think of, then he would kindly decline. He would just do this on his own, like everything else in his life. It didn't matter anyway. Maybe this was his fate. Maybe it was just bad luck. But Shiva was now his mess to deal with. Quickly he jerked himself loose from Quistis' grasp and made way for the exit. Not looking back he hurried to his dorm room, trying to ignore Shiva's pleased humming and Quistis' voice calling out to him.

*** _end flashback_ ***

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Since then Squall had avoided the infirmary and had started walking in the opposite direction whenever Quistis tracked him down to initiate yet another pleading session. At one point his own frustration and Shiva's displeasure with Quistis had escalated to such a degree that he had frozen everything within a radius of thirty feet. In the cafeteria. At lunch time. With an audience of more than two hundred cadets. That's when the gawking had begun every time he dared to set foot in any public area of Balamb Garden. In the end he had just decided to stay in his dorm room, until he came up with a better plan. All he wanted was to be left alone. And so he was now lying in his bed, two days of isolation and mulling over his thoughts not bringing him any closer to an insightful revelation.

Shiva's song continued, as did Squall's aggravation. Cadets walking the hallway just outside his room were chatting happily and laughing. _Probably seniors returning late from the Training Center._ Just like he had in more carefree times, with a tall blond trailing just behind him, badgering him ... _Hyne, get over yourself!_ Quickly he redirected his thoughts elsewhere, the first thing coming to mind his growling stomach. He hadn't eaten for a while now and was pondering how he could successfully retrieve some food without attracting any unwanted attention to himself.

Suddenly the ancient melody stopped abruptly, leaving a loud silence to blare in his ears. Squall was stunned out of his banal train of thought at once, the unexpected quiet temporarily confusing him. But then Shiva quickly brought the short-lived stillness to an end, tickling the insides of his skull with a honeyed voice that set Squalls hairs on end.

_~Thinking. Always thinking. Internal monologues, isn't that what your _friends_ call it?~ _A clear ring of laughter followed her condescending words, mixing in strangely with the noisy laughter of the cadets still loitering about in the hallways.

_~Thinking of me. Thinking of Ultimecia. Thinking of Rinoa. Thinking of Quistis. Thinking of Zell. Thinking of Selphie. Thinking of Irvine. You think of so many people, except for one man... Why is that?~_

"Shut up." He almost missed her endless singing, not wanting to be mocked when he was this weary already. Besides, Squall didn't like where she was going. _...Except for one man..._ When thinking about Seifer became too painful or confusing, he had simply stopped thinking about him all together, blocking traitorous thoughts pertaining to the ex-knight immediately whenever they tried to weasel their way into his mind.

_~Why do you mourn your rival so, when you can hardly spare a friendly thought regarding your lost Sorceress?~_

"Shut up!"

How would he know? Shiva had witnessed him lost in thought all this time now. She knew better than anyone that he didn't understand anything at all. It didn't matter anymore. They were both gone anyway.

_~That is not true.~_

These words, softly spoken in a tentative way as if to test how Squall would to react to them, took him by surprise in their absurdity.

"They are dead."

_~No one truly dies in Time Compression.~_

"What is that supposed to mean?" Squall was growing suspicious of Shiva's suddenly reasonable and friendly tone of voice. She was just playing tricks on him, trying to push buttons that might send him reeling over the proverbial edge.

_~In Time Compression there is no time, yet everything is made out of time. There is no final moment where one can draw their final breath. There can't be death in a place where time layers and flares all its spectrums and dimensions at once. How can one die, whilst one is being born and living at the same time? One is merely suspended in time, immobile, hopeless and trapped. Only a skilled Sorceress can hope to escape such a dire predicament. A knight fallen from grace on the other hand...~_

Shiva had never been so generous before in offering him such a straightforward answer. It was disturbing and put him on edge. "I don't believe you. You sliced of Ultimecia's head yourself. The others witnessed Seifer being electrocuted and thrown away. You're lying."

In spite of his distrust, hope and despair had started to grow in his heart, which was now thumping away at a mad pace. _Don't believe her! She's just messing with your head!_ Squall tried steadying himself mentally, as rational and wishful thinking were in mortal combat with each other in his mind. For several months he had firmly believed they were dead. _No_. _They _are_ dead._ This was the ugly truth, no matter how much he wanted to believe Shiva's deceitful words. Raising his hopes only to crush him afterwards. It was all a part of her plan to bring him to his knees. He wouldn't let her. But Shiva calmly continued her outrageous clarification.

_~It is not that easy defeating a Sorceress as skilled as her. I merely took her by surprise. After my attack Ultimecia's body dissolved into thin air right before my very eyes, but I never felt her heart beat its last beat. And as for your sad knight, he indeed suffered electrocution but was - as you said – tossed into a time rupture when Ultimecia tired of the pain inflicting yet useless act. In Time Compression one can sustain severe damage and be rendered to a pitiful state of utter helplessness, formlessness and lifelessness, but never death. It is the only reason the martial artist lived through his severe blood loss and survived Ultimecia's wrath.~_

"The guardian forces. You yourself said Ultimecia killed them. _Killed _your _kin_." She was lying. _Hyne_, she had just been lying. As this realization settled in, he felt a dislodging sensation of something breaking inside of him. The same sensation he had experienced before, when he had just learned of Seifer's death.

_~So witty, Little Lion. But you're wrong. It is different for us. We aren't rooted in time. The moment we become guardian forces we forfeit our pasts and along with it our attachment to our former lives. Without a past and ripped out of time, we have never been born and have never lived. We only exist in the here and now, creatures standing at the sidelines of time and evolution itself. It frees us and empowers us within this world, assuring we cannot die. But the contrary is true in the realm of Time Compression, where we only have this one atemporal existence. Our greatest strength becomes our greatest weakness.~_

His mind was racing now and making his head throb painfully. _She has to be lying!_ Why was she so damned composed and calm? It didn't make any sense and contrasted heavily with her irate behavior of the past couple of weeks. Why was she suddenly disclosing all of this information? What did she think she could possibly gain by this? Why couldn't he stop thinking about Seifer, when what Shiva said suggested Ultimecia wasn't dead at all and could escape Time Compression at any given time?

"Why are you telling me this? What do you want?"

_~The knowledge that your past regrets are alive but not well must hurt you, does it not? Unsalvageable and beyond your grasp, damned to suffer for all eternity and forever cursing your betrayal. I thought it would be... _fun_ enlightening you.~_

Shiva only gave him a few seconds to let these last words sink in before she resumed her soft singing.

"Shiva!"

But she had stopped listening, ignoring him now her task of riling him up had succeeded.

"I don't believe you."

She turned a deaf ear to his complaints, content to continue her humming; slow but much more lighthearted and mischievous than before. The music seemed to swell in volume and melody, a hard to ignore indication of Shiva's obvious satisfaction.

Squall's head was spinning now with conflicting emotions; his own confusion, hope and despair complementing Shiva's cruel delight. It had become impossible for him to form any coherent thought anymore, as he was losing control. His mind sang to him in tune with Shiva's melody, which was picking up in pace. It became increasingly difficult to separate his own feelings from Shiva's. His entire being was quickening in sync with the mesmerizing music. _Seifer_. He felt a shiver run up his spine as he thought of the ex-knight. He was now standing up from his bed, eyes hazy and not completely registering his surroundings. Cold elegant fingers were running along his arms to finally entwine with his own pale fingers. Flexing them hesitantly Squall set a few steps into his room, towards the door. He could impossibly sit still as Shiva's high was soaring through his system. Why was she being like this? But the thought immediately escaped him again as his growling stomach reminded him once again of his hunger. _Seifer_. He was so very hungry. His ice blue fingers were now reaching for the doorknob. He needed to go outside. Confinement in this small dorm room had suffocated her. She wanted to roam free, wanted to freeze. He understood completely.

By now Squall had moved into the hallway. The cadets were abruptly stunned out of their late night giggles and laughs when they witnessed their Commander standing slumped against his door, dressed in nothing but a dark grey drawstring pants, eyes alight with an unnatural glow of silver and ice. His lips had turned a soft purple color and were being chewed on absentmindedly as Squall stared in front of him dreamily for a while, listening to the song and thinking of captivating golden hair catching the late evening sun's glow. The painful thoughts and feelings choked him, unshakable, unreal and not at all understandable. But soon Shiva's impatience drove him forward again. One tentative footstep after the other he made his way towards the main hall, leaving shocked cadets in his wake. They stood rooted to the floor, their breaths floating on the chilled air, not quite believing they had just seen the Lion of Balamb passing by half naked, an almost ethereal air about him.

Squall moved as if in a trance, all the whilst softly and almost unnoticeably swaying his hips to Shiva's beautiful song and trailing his long thin fingers along the white walls to steady himself. It felt to him like wading through ice cold water, gradually numbing his muscles and slowing down his movements. It was exhilarating.

The sound of water. He had made it to the main hall. Water was cool, but unfortunately not nearly cold enough to freeze over his warm pulsating heart. Squall needed it frozen. He needed to stop feeling desperately. His feet were carrying him to the edge of the waterway enclosing the main hall. Shiva's song was now filling his every thought, breath and motion. He couldn't hear anything else anymore. Not even Irvine's surprised shout.

"Squall! What on earth do you think you..." But before the cowboy had been able to finish his question, Squall dropped himself into the water. Instantly everything stilled around him, the song dulling down to a quiet hum in the back of his mind as he let himself sink to the bottom of the artificial stream of water. She would be there waiting for him. When Squall felt his bare feet ghosting smooth tiles, Shiva was already floating in front of him, extending her arms towards him. Her blue hair swayed softly around her delicately chiseled face, moving with the current of the water. Corners of her little pout mouth tugged upwards in a slight smile, she moved closer and pierced his soul with her emotionless, icy gaze.

_~ Freeze, Little Lion.~_

Her lips hadn't moved, the dulcet voice distantly echoing in his mind as if she were farther away than usual. Everything about her was so compelling. How could he ever hope to say no to her?

_~Freeze.~_

Never before had he experienced such a calm state of mind, such certainty that he was doing exactly the right thing. He let himself be pulled in by her hypnotizing presence, moving straight into her awaiting arms and resting his head on her frail shoulder. He was so tired. She was so very very cold. Squall felt Shiva tighten her arms around him, drawing him into a close yet hollow embrace. He could sense her growing excitement, not really understanding and uncaring. All he wanted now was for her to take the emptiness away. Stop the feelings from overflowing and strangling him.

"Freeze me." And she indulged him.

The flowing water around him came to a standstill. It grew colder and thicker with every pulse of magic being emitted by the merciless Ice Goddess. Squall could feel suffocating magic flood his being, slowing down his heartbeat and stiffening his limbs. Cold needles were stinging his skin all over, as ice was congealing around his cooling body. He couldn't even shiver if he had wanted to, the rapidly solidifying water choking him and keeping him in place. Squall welcomed the ruthless cold entering his deepest core. It shut down his bodily functions one after the other and plunged him into a deep lethargy. The sharp cracks and noises of ice being formed became indistinct as he started to sink away in unconsciousness.

* * *

Irvine was aghast at the horrifying event unfolding before him. He had spotted a scarcely clad Squall making his way to the main hall, eyes unseeing and swaying as if sleepwalking. He wouldn't have bothered helping the man if it hadn't been for the small crowd of cadets starting to gather, viewing the unlikely spectacle of a seemingly drunk Commander. The alarmingly increasing cold was another incentive requesting his immediate intervention. Those idiot cadets would get their asses frozen if they weren't careful.

As he had tried approaching the cold emanating fighter, Squall had simply dunked himself into the waterway. Not willing to ruin his coat and hat over the stubborn man, he first had started to take of the cherished items. He really shouldn't have bothered with the time consuming act, he realized belatedly. By the time he was ready to jump in, the water had already frozen over completely, a dark shadow near the bottom of the water basin indicating that, alas, Squall was still inside.

_You have got to be kidding me!_ He didn't have any Fire magic on him, wasn't even junctioned at that. How on earth he was going to save Squall now was beyond him. "Shit shit shit shit ... Hey! Does anyone here have any Fire spells on them?" The on looking cadets all shook their heads. They had fallen quiet and started to shuffle around nervously, suddenly realizing the gravity of the situation. _Okay then_. Different course of action needed!

"You there, fetch Quistis Trepe!" The brunet girl he had pointed out immediately bolted towards the dorms. An afterthought occurred to him immediately after the first order. "And you, wake Dr. Kadowaki. Tell her it's an emergency! Get a fuckin' move on!" The young boy stormed away just as quickly as the girl had. _But it might be too late by the time they get back._ What the hell had gotten into Squall?! Was he suicidal or just bonkers? Trying to make out how the frozen fighter was doing, he clambered onto the ice and peered into it. There wasn't a damned thing he could do! Squall would die at this rate.

Mere moments later Quistis came running into the main hall, blond hairs ruffled and flannel pajamas disheveled. Her messy appearance was misleading, as her features were drawn into tight determination.

"Where the hell've you been? He's frozen stuck in there. Haven't got a flyin' clue as to what the hell I can do about it too." As Irvine gestured at the dark smudge in the ice, Quistis kept her composure, willing her panic to abide.

"Squall?" she inquired, but she already knew the answer.

"Who else could freeze up the entire waterway like this?" Noticing the tense cowboy wasn't going to be of much help, she had to think of something herself and quick. "I guess no one has Fire spells." Irvine shook his head tersely.

"I could try using my 'Sonar' attack. It uses sound to inflict damage. I could try crushing the ice around Squall." It was all she could think of at the moment, her blue magic being the only magical resource she possessed without needing to be junctioned.

"Won't that just kill him even faster?!" Irvine obviously wasn't in a very levelheaded mood, high stress situations not really being his thing.

"I can try and work around him, try sensing his position by using my sonar waves as a form of echolocation... Like bats." Irvine regarded her skeptically, but settled for a deep sigh and nodded. It was the only way.

"Get off the ice. Now!" As soon as the cowboy had steered clear, she gathered all her concentration in directing the sound waves at the solid frozen mass of water. Almost immediately she could sense Squall's body. And another one.

"What the..." Who had fallen in with him? But she didn't have the time to think or ask questions. It would be difficult evading two people, but she would just have to pull it off. In contrast to Irvine, she performed at her best when under extreme pressure. Summoning the magic deep from within her, she unleashed Sonar. The ice hardly gave way, cracking and splitting but still too solid to access Squall. Sweat now beading on her brow, she upped the intensity of the sound waves crashing onto the frozen water, attempting to crush it as thoroughly as possible whilst closing in on Squall and the unknown person stuck in there with him.

Until the other one suddenly moved and disappeared. How was that even possible? Moving through solid ice and then disappearing without a trace... What on earth was going on here? _Just continue!_ By then Dr. Kadowaki had appeared by her side, not asking or saying anything, silently casting one Fira spell after the other to weaken the unyielding ice. Their combined forces were finally able to make the frozen mass crack in earnest. When at last all of the ice was shattered, Quistis' knees buckled beneath her, the extreme exertion taking its toll. "Get... him out..." she uttered in between strained breaths, fear reigning her heart.

As soon as Dr. Kadowaki had melted the crushed ice around Squall, Irvine didn't waste another second and jumped into the ice water, instantly gasping at the piercing cold obstructing his breathing. Allowing himself a total of three seconds to acclimatize, he dove towards the bottom of the waterway, resurfacing not even a minute later. The drenched cowboy hastily dragged a seemingly lifeless Squall out of the freezing water, carefully laying him down on the floor and immediately sprawling himself down on his back besides him, all the whilst greedily sucking in the warm air.

"He's breathing, but barely. His heartbeat is much too faint to put me at ease. Help me get him to the infirmary!" Dr. Kadowaki had taken the lead as soon as Squall had fallen under her care and was directing some cadets to help and move the unconscious Commander. Quistis' felt tears burning in her eyes as she watched her friend being carried away by the volunteers. His eyes were open and glowing eerily, silver and unblinking. Dark strands of hair were plastered frozen to sickly blue skin. She could hardly make out the slight rise and fall of his bare chest. He was so thin and frail looking, scars littered across his body as a reminder of the Sorceress War. As he was carried passed her, she reached out to touch his freezing hand. So cold. "Oh Squall..."

Finally having regained his breath, Irvine hoisted himself up and walked over to where Quistis was slouched on the floor. "You did great, Quisty. Now Doc will work her magic and he'll be fine in no time. You'll see."

He hated it when pretty women cried, him being a ladies' man born to serve and please the delightful creatures. But now tears were flowing freely down Quistis' cheeks. Gently pulling her up and supporting her, he set course for the infirmary. "He'll be all right." After a long silence, Quistis replied softly, "He hasn't been all right for a while now. Things haven't been all right ever since..."

"I know." It was all he could say. Realizing he had almost lost a friend, whom he stubbornly had refused to talk to for months, he felt like an idiot. None of them had wanted any of this. Not him. Not Selphie. And certainly not Squall. Blaming a scapegoat had never made anything better. Irvine had royally fucked up. Squall would just have to get better. How else would he be able to apologize?

"But we'll make things better from now on. Right?"

Quistis just stared in front of her, deciding there was no hiding Squall's condition any longer from the others. "I haven't told you guys everything. Didn't want anyone to worry. But Squall ... He... It's worse than all of us thought at first."

"You can tell us after we're sure Squall is stable, okay?" He didn't want to hear the verdict just yet. Denial was very nice, as long as you could keep it up anyway, and right now he really needed some sweet denial and reassurance to abide his guilt and get him through the rest of the night. They could deal with all the crap later. "Let's go."

* * *

He was disorientated, unaware of where he was. He was feeling so unbearably hot, the soothing ice Shiva had buried him in gone entirely. The calm, cold void encompassing his fragmented psyche had disappeared along with it and slowly the fog in his mind was dissipating. Everything hurt as he tried to move, so he quickly ceased his attempts. He could hear people scurrying about, talking to him and massaging warmth into his limbs. Gradually Squall started to regain some understanding of what had happened. He remembered... the song, the water, the ice, _..._ He remembered despairing, pain racking his chest as his regrets crushed in on him full power. He remembered being utterly spellbound by Shiva's deceitful lies, illusions and melodies. Even now she was still there, leering at him falsely.

_~You live to see another day, Little Lion.~ _

Her cold words weren't meant to be congratulating. Having been so close to victory, she felt bitter but hardly disheartened. Perhaps she had acted prematurely, causing his comrades to be more vigilant. It would prove to complicate things from now on, but the Little Lion himself was finally breaking down, brick by brick. And she had found his weakness at last.

Squall chose not to answer her. Too tired. Too... He could feel his stomach rumbling loudly.

"Hey, I think he's hungry." Irvine's amused voice. A warm, large hand grabbed his, as Squall started to stir. Whispered words addressed him softly. "You 'n I will talk things through once you're better, 'kay? Cuz' you 'n me, we're still friends, right? For now, just rest, 'kay?" All Squall could do was nod weakly in gratitude and relief, before he slipped back into a fevered slumber.

* * *

A.N. Hereby I want to thank the people that reviewed my first chapter! It meant a lot to me and gave me the courage to continue. Hopefully I don't disappoint, huh? For those awaiting  
Seifer's entry... patience, my friend, patience!


	3. Failings of a Lion

Ah! Finally I finished chapter number three! Enjoy! (I hope...)

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**Chapter Three ~ Failings of a Lion**

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Irvine had just now decided he didn't like trains, in spite of him currently being seated on a plush and comfy couch in a luxurious train compartment, especially arranged to meet the needs of travel weary SeeD mercenaries. This had everything to do with the fact that the train was heading for Esthar and the other inopportune fact that Squall was sitting just across him in said train. These two facts obviously didn't mix well. The young gunblader had been outright unpleasant, refusing to talk to him and opting instead to stare out of the window, watching the monotonous ocean view glide by. _So much for conversation to pass the time._ But Irvine wasn't too bothered with this behavior typical of the taciturn brunet. If anything, it was the air surrounding the fighter that perturbed him most, making the atmosphere in their lavish compartment quickly turn cramped and uncomfortable.

It had taken Squall eight days to recover from his near death experience and the guy hadn't been quite right ever since, even more silent than before and exhibiting ... strange mannerisms. His usual manner of stalking into a room - unconsciously demanding all attention of everyone present - had subtly become more flowing and seductive, almost as if somewhere in his mind he was still moving to Shiva's song, which Squall had only reluctantly told them about. Maybe it was just Shiva's feminine influence. Not that swaying hips were any less effective in drawing eyes to him. On the contrary. Squall's utter obliviousness, being the only thing that had remained unchanged, didn't help the matter much. But this newfound grace of his every move didn't match his cold eyes, which had maintained their unnatural silver hue, an enthralling paradox of whirling magical currents and disquieting inertia. Irvine didn't like the way those eyes never seemed to really take in their surroundings anymore, unresponsive and telltale to Squall's increasing introversion. He might have always been quiet and withdrawn by nature, but at least in the past these traits had been balanced out with undying vigilance and quick reflexes. Now Irvine feared that Shiva was successfully dulling down Squall's senses, ever trying to lure him back into that deadly trance. It was the reason Quistis had suggested for Irvine to share a room with Squall, not daring to leave him unattended any longer. Irvine didn't mind though, content with the chance to watch over his friend and simultaneously attempt to patch up their soured friendship. Ever since the incident he hadn't dared to stray from the young man's side, to Squall's great dissatisfaction.

Setting his gaze upon the sickly pale gunblader, Irvine drew his coat a little tighter around himself to fend of the cold that had rapidly spread throughout the confined space. A permanent runny nose and the necessity for thick winter wear were the inconvenient side effects of not being able to leave Squall's side. Irvine sorely envied Selphie, who had fled their private compartment in need of a warmer environment as soon as the chance had presented itself. Hearing her hum an all too familiar sounding song concerning trains just beyond the door, he briefly felt sadness overtake him. Only recently the bubbly girl had regained some of her usual optimism and cheer, but Irvine wasn't quite sure if this sudden positive change in attitude was entirely genuine, intended perhaps to lighten the worry of her friends. On the other hand, reflecting on the resilience and vigor Selphie had shown when visiting Trabia Garden and tackling the Missile Base, Irvine figured that maybe she just wasn't the type to stay depressed and discouraged for too long. He sincerely hoped she would do better from now on, although her bad short time memory, forgetfulness and temporary moments of confusion continued to worry him greatly.

Selphie had been so excited to go on this 'trip' with 'Irvy' and 'Squally', impatient to finally get to visit the wondrous Esthar everybody was talking about lately, the country having only recently opened their borders to outsiders. Irvine had experienced great difficulty trying to explain to her Squall's condition and the reason for this journey, but in the end he wasn't all that certain she had grasped the seriousness of his words as she had begged him to take her along. She had happily exclaimed that one always needs to combine the arduous with the pleasant, already looking forward to go sightseeing in the miracle city even before Irvine had agreed to any of it. In the end he just couldn't say no to her pleading puppy eyes and had consented in the hopes that maybe the Estharian scientists could not only help Squall, but Selphie as well.

She had been over the moon with anticipation. When the bubbly girl had found out she had already met the president of Esthar before and was actually even supposed to be on friendly terms with the man, she had almost spontaneously combusted with excitement. Immediately taking up the plan to create a fan site for the popular and endearing president, Irvine fondly remembered her delighted squeal when she found out she had already done so in the past. At record speed Selphie had devoured every single issue of Timber Maniacs relating the adventures of Laguna - world traveler extraordinaire – in preparation for her first meeting with the man. After having been forced to sit through a gruesome questionnaire, during which Selphie had fired one question after the other concerning their past experiences in Esthar and its charismatic leader, Irvine suspected his lovely lady was on a steadfast course in reestablishing her adoration for the older man.

Suddenly his train of thought was interrupted by the sound of his cell phone ringing. _Quistis_. She had reluctantly stayed behind, tied to Balamb Garden by her duties as reinstated instructor and headmistress in training. But the stern woman wasn't one to let her control on a situation slip so easily and had decided to call Irvine in regular intervals to confirm Squall's 'status'. Of course this never went unnoticed with the brunet, who always was very irritated by Quistis' unrelenting displays of 'overbearing concern and control freak tendencies'. _His words, not mine. Or maybe Shiva's? Ah, confusing!_ Ignoring Squall's slight frown at the obnoxiously loud ring tone, he picked up to once again reassure the worried instructor that, no, Squall hadn't gone haywire just yet and that, yes, they were still right on schedule and everything was just peachy. After listening to only the beginning of the conversation, Squall soon slipped back in his lethargic state of mind and simply rested his head back against the cold glass to resume his gazing and pondering. All the while Irvine could hear Selphie sing her song in the background, now in full earnest and enthusiasm. " _Train Train, Take Us Away, Take Us Away, Far Away, To The Future, We Will Go, Where it Leads, No One Knows._ " Yessiree, this was going to be a long train ride.

_~Still angry with me?~_

_/ _You tried to kill me_. /_

It was odd how he was finally able to talk to Shiva inside his head, entire conversations unheard and unnoticed by the bored cowboy sitting in front of him. Just as odd was how Shiva had gotten better than ever in guessing his moods and deepest emotions, when even he himself wasn't entirely aware or sure of them. The thought that Shiva's attempt to take his life somehow had intensified their bond seemed absurd to him. Not that the change was for the better. As a result she had only gotten more resourceful and skilled in provoking him, an entire arsenal of private regrets, emotions and memories at her disposal, one specific topic being her all-time favorite. He did notice, however, how she had grown wary of his friends now following his every move and how she had refrained from bolder moves that would possibly alert them. But she hadn't become any bit nicer, that was for sure. If anything, their mutual resentment was steadily rising. Though lately Squall found it hard to care anymore. The more threatening and incensed Shiva became, the more cold and distant he grew. Squall suspected that whatever she had done to him about a week ago had somehow altered him. Whether she took something away that had been him or added something that was her, he wasn't sure. Maybe both. It felt like she had dulled him down, bits of him frozen and stilled. Everything around him moved and felt like it was happening to someone else and somewhere else, through a haze, and he had become the spectator of his own sordid life. He knew very well that Shiva was pulling him under. He hardly needed any sleep or food, the magic overflowing his body taking care of these basic needs and somehow sustaining his body. His friends had also cautiously pointed out to him his supposedly weird behavior, but it had become so difficult for him to differentiate anymore between what was normal for him and what was Shiva's influence. The line was getting vaguer every day.

_~Not kill you. Not truly. I just need you submissive and spiritless, all mine to take over and dominate. A dead, cold heart and an empty soul, your frozen body my vessel. That's what I desire from you. I've no need for a corpse. Do you really think that measly bit of cold could have killed you? Trapped in my coldest and hardest ice for over ten minutes and you survive. You have grown more accustomed to my element than you think, Little Lion. I won't let you die. Although perhaps you will wish for it in the end.~_

/Maybe. But I would hardly consider ridding me of my heart and soul not killing me./

_~Then by your definition you yourself have once killed me in the past. Wouldn't you consider an eye for an eye only fair and just?~_

/Whatever./

_~Don't fear. I won't do you injustice, Little Lion. I will use your beauty and strength in ways you have never even considered or could imagine yourself. Although I would have preferred you being female, of course.~_

/Then pick someone else./

_~ Ah, but you are perfect, Little Lion. I would never want another.~_

/Lucky me./

Shiva only laughed at these bitter words of resignation and chose to leave him be for a little while. Together they stared at the calm ocean stretched out just beyond the window, the late afternoon sun casting a cold light on the reflecting dark surface of water through thick grey clouds, like endlessly wrinkling and rippling aluminum foil alight with an eerie glow. Only interrupted and mildly annoyed by yet another one of Quistis' check up calls, they sat there quietly for who knew how long, when Shiva suddenly decided to speak up again.

_~I might not have your best interests at heart and I might only know Odine from what little knowledge and memories you possess, but I do know he will do neither of us any good. I will resist this all the way.~_

/ Still angry with me?/ he asked in mock imitation of her earlier question.

He hadn't been able to refuse his friends' demands this time and had reluctantly agreed to go see Odine. If it would get them off his back a little while longer, then fine, but he hardly thought the man would be of any actual help. And if heightened supervision and being strapped to an examination table would prove to further irritate the invasive Ice Goddess, then great, even if it meant sacrificing whatever privacy and comfort he had left. His initial fear of such a treatment had withered with the realization that his current life wasn't all that agreeable anyway and that Odine couldn't possibly make it worse than it already was.

_~For seeking out that madman? I know you don't truly believe he'll free you of me and I know you are only going because you didn't have a choice to begin with. Your 'friends' are just as forceful with you as I am. You don't have a shred of freedom left. I'm not angry with you, I pity you. You would be better off letting go of this pathetic life. Give it to me and I will not disappoint.~_

/I'm afraid you will have to fight for it, Shiva./ But there was no bite in his retort. He felt entirely drained of energy and his head had started to hurt again, the migraines more frequent and violent than ever. Shiva was putting him on edge as usual. Irvine was staring at him intently. Outside Selphie was still singing her inane song. If they wouldn't arrive soon, he would lose it. Which would result in his friends and every other passenger on this train getting acquainted with the feeling of having their sorry asses frozen to their seats. He urgently needed something to numb down his aggravation, to make the atmosphere breathable again.

/Sing for me./

_~Only for you, Little Lion.~_

Her soft and clear voice lulled him back into a calm and apathetic state, his headache dissipating. He knew he shouldn't trust services so readily offered by Shiva, but right now he needed the peace of mind. For the rest of the ride he was blissfully void of any thought or worry.

* * *

Squall found himself strapped down to an examination table. For Hyne's sake, he hadn't expected his suspicions to turn out _this_ fucking accurate. The obnoxious scientist sure wasted no time in inspecting what he considered a most interesting specimen. What Squall hadn't expected though was Ellone's presence. Shiva, curiously studying the young woman that had appeared before her, was far too interested to Squall's liking. Apparently Quistis had spoken to their _Sis'_ of his condition and she subsequently had decided to do what she could to help, even willing to tolerate the near proximity of a man that had uncaringly restrained and caged her in the past in the name of science, totally lacking in moral empathy and ethical awareness. When he arrived at Odine's lab, the young woman had already been there waiting for them, eyes filled with concern. After exchanging some words and drawing Squall in a tight embrace, she had immediately hurried him inside the laboratory, just as eager as Odine to get on with the examinations, if not for entirely different reasons.

And here he was staring at an uninviting starch white ceiling, highly uncomfortable with numerous monitors and other strange apparatus attached to him. Shiva had suddenly but perhaps wisely receded to the farthest corners of his mind, hiding for what would very likely be an unpleasant experience. Ellone's small hand reassuringly holding and squeezing his own subdued his tenseness only slightly. Not being granted access to the actual research room yet stubbornly refusing to leave after Odine's insistent demands to do so, Irvine was now overlooking the proceedings of today's examination behind a glass window. Selphie on the other hand hadn't been able to contain her excitement at the sight of all the shiny tall buildings and as soon as the transportation lift bringing them into the center of town had come to a halt, she had bolted straight into the glossy metal and glass streets of Esthar to satisfy her sightseeing needs. Not that Squall felt too heartbroken over her lack of interest in boring rounds of prodding him and hooking him up to ghastly looking contraptions. Besides, he didn't need an energetic girl turned bouncing rubber ball circling around him on top of Ellone, Irvine and an obnoxious pipsqueak of a scientist. Hoping the girl would have some fun in the city he was now coming to resent - surpassing his previous dislike - he was relieved to hear from Irvine how she had been smiling again lately, abating his worry and sense of guilt a little. He himself just wanted this over with. The fact that Odine had been taking ages to set everything up, never stopping his excited ranting, was getting the impatient gunblader in a foul mood.

"I have already received and read ze rapports sent to me by Dr. Kadowaki. There iz little point in doing any more magical analyses or physical scans. I believe iz will be most beneficial to go to ze source of all this. To ze moment zat triggered this unnatural union of host and GF." Odine didn't bother hiding his enthusiasm, as he hurried from one strange machine to the other, adjusting settings and fixing wiring here and there, all the whilst rambling on. "Ah, to be able to test mental time travel again iz vonderful! After ze president's ban on this field of research I never hoped to get such a chance again, but thanks to Ellone's mediating ve can now get to ze bottom of this mystery. And to think I never even considered ze possibilities of permanently merging guardian forces wiz humans! It would usher in an entire new era of super powerful humans! I must definitely ..."

"Odine!" Ellone was now death glaring at the raving scientist, effectively putting an end to the man's disturbing train of thought. "We are here to figure out how to get rid of Shiva, not how to create more of these disastrous cases! And Laguna only allowed you to lend my powers in order to help Squall, nothing else. Now, hurry up!"

Odine huffed in indignation, but quickly finished his preparations. "Alright, alright... There, everything iz in order. Ellone, try to get to ze exact moment in time when the merging supposedly happened and try to connect to Shiva as well. Hold on as long you can, I need to gather as much data as possible. "

"It will be difficult, since it happened during Time Compression and since I never tried linking with a guardian force before. But I'll do my best. So don't worry, okay, Squall? I will stay by your side and keep watch over you." He couldn't get any words to leave his lips, more nervous than he'd like to admit at the thought of trying to access memories and experiences that had transpired during Time Compression.

After giving him a small smile, she closed her eyes in concentration, her hands still on his. Squall really _really_ wanted this to be over with. He had never been fond of the weird dreamlike experiences Ellone had put them through in the past and doubted this was going to be any better. The sudden and strange sensation of Ellone plucking at the edges of his mind made him feel extremely uncomfortable, her presence in his head on top of Shiva's almost too much for him to handle. Different invading forces started to pull him in opposite directions, Shiva vehemently opposing Ellone's attempts to reach Squall. The struggle for dominance bulldozed its way through his already strained psyche and took its toll on his frail body, limbs heavily convulsing within their restraints and jaws painfully clenched shut. But suddenly the violent tearing at his mind was replaced with extreme disorientation as he felt himself sink away in blackness, falling down endlessly. Fits of extreme nausea quickly alternated with throbbing headaches as he was being thrown through endless rifts of time. And then, just as suddenly, it stopped.

He was back. Back in the wastelands of Time Compression. Alone. He couldn't feel Shiva anywhere in his mind and realized with shock that the Ice Goddess wasn't with him. He couldn't sense Ellone either, for that matter. With both of them gone and confronted with the menacing landscape of dirt, rock, mist and a darkened sky, he felt anxiety swell in his chest rapidly. Memories flooded his mind as he tried to slow down his rampant heart beat and heavy breathing, battling an upcoming panic attack. Unable to keep flashes of Rinoa's tearful face and Ultimecia's cruel smile from overlapping and distorting in his mind, he momentarily refused to believe he was really here. He didn't want to be here. Not again. What was Ellone doing? Where was everybody? Why wasn't he where he was supposed to be, a mere onlooker of past events? Hyne, he never thought the day would come he actually would _want_ Shiva around. At least he wouldn't be alone. Immediately he bristled at this thought running through his head. He didn't need her. He was a Commander, a trained SeeD mercenary.

_Calm down. Just wait until Ellone finds you again. _Only barely managing to settle down somewhat, he realized there wasn't much he could do for now. Knowing from experience that wandering around trying to find an exit was pointless in this place, he sat himself down on the ground, trying not to think of Ultimecia or ... or ...

"Seifer..." _No. Don't go there. Don't do this to yourself_. But his mind had already wandered to the blond, especially when thinking back to what Shiva had told him not too long ago.

_~The knowledge that your past regrets are alive but not well must hurt you, does it not?  
Unsalvageable and beyond your grasp, damned to suffer for all eternity and forever cursing your betrayal.  
I thought it would be _fun_ enlightening you.~_

The memory of her words raced through his head. What if she had spoken the truth? She had assumed the ex-knight would be forever trapped and unreachable, but now here he was. In Time Compression. _Hyne, what am I thinking?_ But in spite of him realizing his own madness, Squall got up on his feet all the same, hope driving him forward. Not really knowing how to go about this, he just started walking. After ages of nothingness passing him by, no sign whatsoever of the ex-knight, he tried calling out.

"Almasy! Are you out there?! ... Almasy!"

But quickly he felt incredibly foolish at his desperate sounding shouts, echoing strangely throughout the bleak expanse before dying out. _Idiot_. Squall mentally cursed himself for his own stupidity. How could one find anything in this desolate place anyway? He wasn't a sorceress nor did he have Ellone's powers. In short, he was completely and utterly useless here. Discouraged he slumped back down on the rock littered ground, trying to think of a better strategy, when suddenly he felt eyes on him. Jumping up and scanning his surroundings, he couldn't discern anything or anyone, but he was sure the atmosphere had just changed subtly, setting his hairs on end.

"Show yourself!"

But the scenery around him remained unchanged, the silence still as oppressing as before. Nothing was there. _You're imagining things. Get a grip._ Cautiously setting himself back down after glaring in the distance for several minutes - if it was that long - he remained vigilant and wary of anything out of the ordinary, any sign of danger. Relaxing a little when nothing happened for a long stretch of time and returning to his pondering, he went rigid again at the same feeling of eyes on him, this time accompanied by the quiet sound of breathing. Behind him. As fast as he could he spun around, only to stare at the same barren landscape once again. But this time the strange sensation didn't subside, confirming his initial instincts to be correct. Something was most definitely watching him. Not having any weapons at hand, he raised his arms and fists in a defensive stance, rooting his feet firmly to the ground in anticipation of an attack.

"...Leonhart..." It was weak, so faint he almost hadn't heard it, but he had. Vague recognition registered with him at the sound of the weak voice, but it didn't feel quite right. Not in any of his recollections pertaining to the arrogant ex-knight had that voice ever been so feeble, so... broken. Not daring to believe he had heard correctly, he was plagued with indecision at what to do next. It could be a trap. It could be his mind playing tricks on him after all. _It could be Seifer_. Casting aside his fears, he decided to pursue the only chance he might ever get to redeem himself and bring his rival back home. Mind set on finding the brazen blond, he bolted forward in the direction of where he assumed the soft whisper had come from. "I'm here!" he shouted, letting the ex-knight know he was on his way. Squall kept running, his breath growing ragged and his muscles aching, but never stopping. Not now he could feel the odd sensation getting stronger. Feel _him _getting closer. Elation was coursing through his veins as his hopes went soaring. _Seifer!_

"...Leonhart..." This time the voice sounded louder and nearer. Trying to ignore the darkening and looming atmosphere, he kept pushing forward. Until he almost toppled over the edge of a steep ravine, nothing but a dark void waiting beneath. Only barely stopping in time, he was able to keep his footing and keep from turning the meaning of a 'dead end' a little too literal. Frustration mounting at not finding the ex-knight, he shouted out the man's name again, overlooking the vast blackness beyond the ravine. "Seifer!" He couldn't feel any presence down there in the darkness, but had been so certain this was where the voice had originated from. Not understanding and slowly turning around again in defeat, he froze at the sight of Hyperion flung down on the floor sloppily. Seifer's gunblade. It hadn't been there seconds ago. He was sure of it. Crimson blood pooled around the weapon and trailed back into the distance, where Squall had come from in the first place. _For Hyne's sake!_ But the need to curse at this useless running around quickly gave way to worry, blood not possibly being the indication of anything good. At the same time hopeful and fearful, he slowly started to follow the eerie trail laid out in front of him, an ominous sensation overwhelming him.

Suddenly the blood splatters across the dirt sizzled away and dissolved into the ground, the track disappearing. Looking up, a dark silhouette had appeared just beyond heavily swirling mist and quickly became discernable to Squall's sharp gaze. Heart racing and unbelieving, he didn't dare walk any closer. There he was. Gazing right back at him with those intense jade eyes. It was too unreal, temporarily disabling Squall's capability of speech. As he took in the slightly older man's appearance, he seemed unharmed. Too unharmed, actually. The ex-knight's trademark trench coat was in pristine condition, when last time he had met the man the garment had been tattered and filthy down to the last thread. Squall also registered no signs of injury, which was strange considering the bloody trail he had followed to find the man and the torture he supposedly had suffered from. No visible battle wounds were distinguishable either, from when they had last fought. Whatever happened to injuries in Time Compression, if you can't die? Deciding he didn't care, he felt an immense sense of relief wash over him, as he walked a little closer to his rival. _Hyne, he's really here._ Tentatively raising a hand to touch the man's arm, he needed to absolutely, undoubtedly confirm he wasn't dreaming this. That this wasn't his fucked up mind screwing him over.

"Are you real?"

"I could ask you the same thing, Puberty Boy." Seifer had stepped even closer, his broad figure towering over him and a large hand painfully grasping the one Squall had gingerly placed on the ex-knight's arm. There was no arrogant smirk to accompany the mocking use of that awful but much favored nickname, only an intense gaze and the feeling of his hand almost getting crushed by Seifer's powerful grip.

"You're hurting me." Only slowly did the blond let go.

"Then am I real to you?" Squall didn't know what to answer to that. It was Seifer and at the same time it wasn't, he wasn't able to pinpoint why exactly. Suddenly realizing how close they were standing, upper bodies almost touching, he experienced clearly how much scrawnier he was than the imposing man in front of him. It had never bothered him before, him always having been confident enough in his sparring skills to bring the arrogant blond down a notch, no matter his size. But now - having to crane his neck upwards to look the man in the eye and standing this close - his puny build suddenly seemed to matter a great deal, the warmth emanating from Seifer's broad chest making him feel uncomfortable with the far too close proximity. This was _way_ beyond his comfort zone. But as soon as he made a move to step back a little, Seifer pulled him back forcefully, growling menacingly.

"I asked you a fucking question, Puberty Boy. Is this even me anymore? You'd be able to tell, wouldn't you. And why the fuck are you even here. You should've been long gone by now!"

Squall was overwhelmed with the violent and yet somehow panicked emotion that filled Seifer's every word, his hands now tightly gripping Squall's shoulders and his piercing eyes trying to convey some sense of exigency, the need to know he wasn't going crazy. Too overpowered by this barrage of raw feelings and never having been good with words as is, Squall remained speechless. As he failed to respond, something seemed to wither in those mesmerizing green eyes, the blond suddenly slumping down and resting his head on Squall's shoulder.

"... I'm sorry, Squall..."

No. That sounded too much like Rinoa's last words, before leaving him. He couldn't take anymore of this, his chest feeling too constricted and his breath too labored. No more of this. No more betrayal. His entire being was overflowing with confusion, as he tried to make sense of his warped reactions to Seifer's presence. A warm and musky scent. Short strands of hair tickling his ear. The heavy feeling of his body desperately leaning in, holding on for dear life. All of it was suffocating him, but he knew whatever this was, they both needed it.

"No. Don't say that. I was the one to leave you behind. And you took the punishment."

A dry chuckle resounded as Seifer finally pulled back and regarded him with an empty stare.

"I sure did, Puberty Boy. I sure did." And with these words the ex-knight harshly shoved him back, green eyes suddenly hard and lips drawn tight in determination. Not understanding, Squall tried to get closer again in an attempt to restore the moment that had eluded them, but felt his feet glued stuck to the ground. _No_. That feeling. _Not again_. Dread crept up on him, as he tried to move but found his limbs petrified, just like it had been back then, magic sealing him in place. His voice caged in and unable to scream, Squall fought the bonds restraining him violently. _No!_

"I hate you." The ex-knight's cold words struck a chord deep within him, even when he had expected them. But he didn't care, he just needed to get the blond out of this place.

There was nothing he could do, as he witnessed magical forces amass around Seifer, who just stood there acceptingly, not attempting to escape the vicious tendrils enveloping him and licking tanned skin, burning it in their wake. Energy started crackling around him, singeing his trench coat, reopening old wounds and tearing new ones in firm muscle. Electricity, splitting ground and sky, scorched clothing into skin and vaporized blood now flowing freely from numerous gashes, as lightning lashed out at exposed flesh. Relentless electric currents were surging through stiffened limbs, muscles taut and convulsing with pain. Blisters were bubbling up under whatever stretch of reddened skin that hadn't been smoldered yet. And all this time the ex-knights jaded eyes were fixed on him, increasingly blood shot and glazed, not a scream passing blackened lips. As the sickening smell of flesh burning reached Squall, he snapped.

"NO!" Terror wrenching his heart, he ripped through the magical bonds in one fierce motion, cutting his arms and legs in the process, and bolted into the electrical storm whipping down on him, towards Seifer. Ignoring lacerating jolts of thunder racking his body and bits of leather clothing being seared into his skin, he struggled to reach the suffering blond, whose eyes were now widened in shock at Squall's sudden actions.

"...I..hate you...no...stop..." His voice was breathless and broken, yet laden with urgency - the effort to speak by now probably too painful - but Squall wouldn't leave him. Never would he let this happen again. As he slowly inched in on Seifer and stretched out his arm to reach his rival, he suddenly felt the familiar sensation pulling at his mind. _Ah, fuck! Not now!_

/No, Ellone, wait!/ But she couldn't hear him. Finally grabbing a trembling hand and staring into incredulous green eyes, he was violently jerked away from the ex-knight and rapidly pulled back into blackness once more.

"SEIFER!" Bright light was blinding him. _No. No no no ..._ It became a disbelieving mantra repeated in his mind, as Shiva was forcing her presence on him again, making him almost vomit. Ellone had quickly retreated from his mind at the pained scream, jumping back as Squall ferociously broke loose from the leather straps at his wrists, silver eyes wide and not all sane. He could hear a door being crashed in and Irvine's footsteps quickly nearing the examination table. Disorientated all over again and sick to his stomach, he felt tears burning their way to the surface, freezing to his cheeks. His body shivered unstoppably with mind splitting hurt. _This isn't happening._

"What the fuck, Ellone? What the hell did you do?!" Irvine's angered words didn't entirely register, as Squall refused to accept what had just transpired.

"Nothing! I swear! One minute I'm trying to connect to his mind and the other Shiva snatches my control away, lashing out at me. I didn't even manage to warp our minds in time yet."

"It couldn't 've been nothing, Ellone! As soon as you tried entering his head, he went berserk."

"I know, it's just that ... I don't understand. He never reacted to me like this before in the past. Maybe it's Shiva..."

"Zis will not do. Zis vill not do at all! Not even a split second worth of data. Ve vill have to start all over again... Ack! My precious apparatus! St-stop him! He's freezing everything!"

"Squall, you gotta calm down, man. Everything 's okay, nothing's happened. Well, maybe your arms 're bleeding a little, but let me just take a..." Swatting Irvine's steadying arm away, he desperately needed some silence, right now their panicked voices nothing but noise blaring at his mind. _It is real. This was real._ How could they say nothing had happened.

_~ Of course it's real. I told you, did I not? And now I showed you.~_

/... ... /

_~Such an inexperienced girl carrying such great powers. It was shameful how easily I could channel them at my will, without her even being aware of it. Fools. Anywhere one ventures into the mind of my Little Lion, I have access. They should have known better. Now, tell me. How was your knight fallen from grace? I take it you met?~_

/... You gave Ellone her control back. Why./

_~You know why, Little Lion.~_

/No! I don't know why you do the fucking things you do! This ... This was just another one of your sick games?/

_~Now, now, no need to be so agitated. And here I thought you would be happy to meet your ill-fated knight again.~_

/Ellone said she didn't send me anywhere in time, that no time passed at all. This was you. It's always you forcing these delusions on me! I ... I knew ... that ... / There was just no way Seifer would ever have held him like that, voice tensed and jade eyes overflowing with emotion. The first thing he should expect when confronted with the real ex-knight was Hyperion stabbed straight through his chest. He had been such an idiot, again.

_~Why are you always so intent on doubting me?~_

/Your words always contradict your actions! You freeze me solid into the main hall's water basin, but want me to believe you didn't aim to kill me. You say you want my spirit broken and at the same time you tell me to take your word for it when mentioning exactly those things that could break me most easily. You're a liar, filling my head with hallucinations. You've been using my memories of Seifer to taunt me for a while now and you expect me to believe this wasn't your doing?!/

_~You're in denial, Little Lion. Just accept reality.~_ Patience waning and retreating into his mind, Shiva left him alone to hack out his confused state of mind.

"Squall! Snap out of it! Squall!!" Irvine was now violently shaking him around, trying to stun him out of his internal turmoil. Feeling utterly defeated and unsure of anything anymore, Squall finally calmed down and looked up into worried violet eyes. Behind him Ellone was staring at him warily, pale faced and shaken, now talking to someone over the phone.

"I think I'm losing it." He grimaced at how strained his own voice sounded.

"Any dumbass could've told you that! What on earth just happened? You okay now?" Managing a weak nod, he threw his still somewhat shaky legs over the edge of the examination table in order to get up.

"You think you can walk?" Another nod.

"Well, first let me take a look at your arms. You cut them while breaking loose. Okay?" Nods were all Squall was capable of right now, so that was what Irvine got presented as yet another meager reply. After the cowboy had tended to his mild injuries, he turned round to cast Ellone a questioning look. Handing Irvine back his cell phone, she cautiously looked in Squall's direction.

"It's alright. He said he doesn't mind."

"Great. Let's head to the presidential residency then. I knew Laguna would agree to let us stay over at his estate. I don't think it would be that clever taking lodgings at an inn in this kind of situation. And Squall, once there, you're gonna have to spill yer beans about what just happened. Can we trust ya not to blow yer fuse like that again?"

Weakly glaring at the cowboy who was studying him as if assessing the hazard level of initiating a walk down the streets of Esthar, Squall simply got up and went ahead, happy enough that Irvine apparently was categorizing his temporary crazed state along with his other unfortunate fits of insanity, not fully realizing just how fucked up this one had been. Squall didn't truly understand himself and wasn't about to enlighten the others to said fact. He was succumbing to emotional overkill, victim of Shiva's sick games and was becoming increasingly instable, dangerous even to the people around him. It was shameful how he was burdening his friends. This wasn't going to work out anymore. He needed to be alone. Truly alone. To think.

"_Hyne_! One minute ready to freeze the entire laboratory and the other minute back to his stoic self... Give me a break!... Ergh, never mind. Let's just go pick up Selphie and get the hell outa here. I'm starvin'. We'll talk in the mornin'... And don't you dare get that look. You're not going anywhere. I'm keepin' an eye on ya, so forget it!"

* * *

His mind was reeling and every single attempt to move sent jolts of pain racking his body. Lying down for just a while longer to let his splitting head ache and nausea subside, he tried controlling his breathing. _Leonhart_. Had he really been there or was this just a sick nightmare? Everything was so hazy, memories failing him as he tried to figure out what the fuck had just happened. Finally able to carefully prop himself up onto his elbows, Seifer stared out at a wide expanse of nothing but flowers, their color and sweet scent momentarily overloading his senses and taking away his breath. This most definitely wasn't Time Compression.

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_Author Note_: Big thanks to everyone that already reviewed so far! It's for you guys I keep scraping together my imagination, concocting more chapters for this story :) And to anyone that found my fic worthy enough of tagging it with 'story alert' but hasn't reviewed, pretty pretty please tell me what you think?

_Author Rambling_: I know it took me a bit longer to post this new chapter than the previous two, but my muse was eluding me a bit. At least that is until I ... bought the new CD of Muse! Coincidence? I think not! I absolutely fell in love with the song "_Undisclosed Desires_", its lyrics swelling with need and somehow really fitting the mood of what I'm going for in the end. Here's the chorus:

_I want to reconcile the violence in your heart  
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask  
I want to exorcise the demons from your past  
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart_

I know everyone's taste in music differs, so this is just my humble opinion. If you don't care for Muse and think the song isn't at all applicable to Squall and Seifer whatsoever, feel free to shower Muse and me with rotten tomatoes. : )


	4. Memoirs of a Knight

Sorry for the long wait, but school has been taking up lots of my time, limiting my time to write. Hopefully this extra long chapter will appease those of you armed with pitchforks. Enjoy!

**_Dedicated to the ever so lovely Chemotaxis_**

Her story "_Arcane Crisis_" (Check it out if you haven't already!) is what got me to start writing this fic  
in the first place, tempting me to have my own go at SxS. She is my yaoi fan fiction senpai and  
a great source of inspiration and support, her messages always a welcome surprise in my inbox.

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**Chapter Four ~ Memoirs of a Knight**

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After having passed several check points stationing overeager and overly paranoid guards, Squall finally laid his eyes on their abode for the night, only barely repressing a snort at the utter decadence of the presidential estate.

"Wooooow! Laguna has _style_!" Unsuccessful at containing her excitement, Selphie practically bounced down the garden path with enthusiasm, unworriedly leaving her fatigued companions behind.

The elaborate grounds that were a home to the probably most idiotic president to ever grace this world with his presence were far more outlandish than anything he had witnessed in this odd city, which said a lot. Glass and metal curved in imposing arcs, taking on the most surreal shapes before tapering off in four large towers dominating the futuristic looking structure. Blue and aqua colored light was cast down from bright spotlights and broke through the rippling water surface of a shallow moat surrounding the large building, its function obviously esthetic in nature as any aspiring intruder could easily wade across it. The resulting sight of softly illuminated glass against the backdrop of a cloudless and starlit sky was almost otherworldly. The Estharian architects had surely outdone themselves, their efforts wasted on a man who most likely wasn't even able to properly navigate his way through his own hallways. As they traversed an exotic garden leading up to the main entrance of the glass structure, passing by luxurious pavilions and grotesque looking statues representing the president along the way, all Squall could feel was distaste at the unsubtle and excessive nature of Loire's residence, he himself never requiring more than a few square meters and a bed to call his own. And even those he could do without in the end, a night spent with nothing but the heavens above and grassy soil beneath not all that unappealing to the young gunblader. Finally reaching the first steps of the staircase, his train of thought was interrupted as welcoming words bearing the slightest hint of an unfamiliar accent reached his ears.

"Hearing of your visit to Esthar, Laguna was hoping you would come and pay his home a visit. It's good to see all of you again. Please, do come in."

"Hi Kiros. Isn't Laguna around? I was sure he would want to welcome his guests himself."

The exotic looking man of fair dark skin glanced over to the group walking up the steps, only briefly resting his gaze on Squall before continuing to answer Ellone's question. "He had some last minute business to attend to." Appearing somewhat puzzled at the terse reply, Ellone cast Kiros a questioning look, but the older man feigned ignorance and addressed the rest of the party.

"If you don't mind the late hour, Laguna has extended his invitation to join him for dinner two hours from now. Until then you can settle in and rest. I'll show you to your rooms."

Without any further words, Kiros turned around and walked through the entrance doors, long braids whipping his back in time with brisk steps resounding sharply along the marble flooring. Fully expecting the younger guests to follow, the loyal presidential aid didn't look back as he maneuvered his way to their designated accommodations deeper inside of the unusual residence.

Squall couldn't exactly tell why, but he felt uncomfortable as they were being led up stairs and through intricate hallways. Kiros odd glance hadn't escaped him, but the tired brunet figured the man must have heard all of his 'condition' and merely wanted to ascertain whether or not it was safe to allow him and the president to be in the same room. Not feeling offended but yet somehow far from being at ease, Squall started to wonder why he hadn't acted on his earlier gut feeling to avoid the presidential estate all the same. He should have insisted on spending the night at an inn, but his temporarily distraught state of mind must have somehow clouded his judgment, thus Irvine easily being able to drag him off to unwanted destinations. Finally coming to a halt, Kiros now pointed out a pair of large, dark mahogany doors.

"Through here are your rooms, one for the men and one for the young lady. Both are provided with a bathroom and a balcony overlooking the gardens. Now I will leave you to your rest. A maid will come and pick you up when dinner is ready." Moving out of the way, he now walked up to Ellone, giving her a slight nod. "Laguna would like to have a word with you before dinner." Noticing the slightly worried tone that had crept into the man's voice, something only she and Ward were ever able to pick up on, she was reluctant however to leave her friends alone, especially after witnessing the true extent of Shiva's grip on Squall.

"Okay… Although I think I should stay with them for now. I thought I told Laguna as much."

"They'll be fine. If they need anything or if any problems should arise, the corridors are supervised by security cameras and there are guards on standby to intervene at any given time. Now if you'd like to come with me."

Squall raised his eyebrows at the not so subtle warning to avoid causing trouble during their stay, not having expected such blunt words from the otherwise diplomatic man. Sensing Ellone's worried glance in his direction, he gave a slight nod, stating he hadn't taken offense and would be fine.

"Kiros…" Heaving an exasperated sigh, Ellone finally conceded. " Just take me to him then." She gave them a small wave and a reassuring smile before leaving the three mercenaries to their rooms, hesitantly following Kiros down the hallway and disappearing from sight.

"Soooo… Does Sis' live here with Laguna? Kiros didn't mention her staying with us tonight." Blatant curiosity shone in Selphie's eyes as she directed her question to the tired cowboy standing beside her.

"You guessed it. After the war ended, Laguna asked her to come live at his estate. Wanted her to have a comfortable life after the hardships she endured and all. She's been in Esthar ever since. They seemed awful close on the phone earlier. Stopped calling him 'Uncle' too..." Tipping his hat in order to scratch his head, Irvine added with a shrug "Not that it's any of our business, though. Let's just be grateful she arranged us with safe lodgings. I say it's a good thing to have her around."

"Yeah, you're right! She's reliable, alright! How awesome is it to be guests at the Loire estate? I can't believe I'm finally getting to meet Laguna! I'll hav'ta thank Sis' for that later on. Now open up, Irvy! I'm totally beat from running around all day!" Eying the hyper girl squirming with impatience, Irvine was highly doubting Selphie's supposed claim at being tired, but opened the doors all the same. Once she had bolted inside, squeals of delight immediately ensuing, Irvine turned to the brunet at his side and attempted to gauge the man's mood.

"You okay so far?"

"…Yes." Sensing the direction this was going in, the exhausted gunblader decided he wasn't in the mood for the interrogation the cowboy no doubt had in mind and made to cut the conversation short by following Selphie inside. Halted in his steps as Irvine quickly moved in front of him, Squall was getting annoyed fast.

"Hyne Squall, I'm just concerned. You know that."

"... …"

"Don't think you can brush me off like this. Could you at least _try_ and explain what made you freak out like that?"

In acknowledgment that his overly worried friend wasn't going to relent any time soon, he compromised into offering a curt reply, only mildly regretting having to let a half truth pass his lips.

"Having two women in my head fighting over the control of my mind didn't agree with me."

As Squall pushed the marksman out of the way and stalked into the guest chambers, he only faltered slightly at Irvine's next words before continuing his stride inside.

"Then why did you scream out that ex-knight's name?"

"… …"

"Well?"

"You're imagining things." Squall cringed inwardly at the weak reply, damning Shiva's pleased snickering and damning the blond haunting his thoughts.

A snort was all that followed, indicating Irvine was letting go of the matter but only for the time being.

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Propped up against a stone wall, the ruins of Edea's orphanage provided Seifer with a higher vantage point, allowing him to overlook the ocean that previously had been obscured from his view. It was strange to see signs of time passing. White clouds gathering above the fragrant flower field, slightly dimming the bright sea of colors. Strong northern winds dying down into a soft breeze. The sun setting and casting a fascinating glow of orange and dark pink over the tranquil landscape. The ocean and sky set alight in one final display of vibrant color before darkening hues of blue enveloped the scenery, welcoming the cool evening. Crashing waves receding into low tide, leaving stranded sea critters vulnerable to the seagulls circling down in flight towards the beach.

All of it had once failed to catch his younger self's attention, but now he was a starved man, finally set free from his dark dungeon and limiting restraints. Basking in the day's last rays of sunshine and enjoying the feel of the fresh sea breeze on his sensitive skin, he had been unable to move an inch from the spot where he had slumped down earlier, which was probably hours ago by now. But Seifer didn't care. He felt alive for the first time in a long while. His wounds hurt. His stomach growled in hunger. His heart was thumping away at a steady pace. His legs had fallen asleep from the prolonged seated position. His nose was itching. His tongue felt like a dry piece of leather in his mouth. And every single sensation felt absolutely exhilarating, proving to the blond that he was real and had indeed somehow escaped Time Compression.

But as the night set in and the cold started to penetrate his tattered trench coat, Seifer's initial euphoria was waning slightly, his mind turning to more urgent matters at hand. Hyne knew he couldn't linger here for too long. Hyperion was missing, rendering him defenseless, and on top of that he was in desperate need of food, water and medical care. Any sign of electrocution was conspicuously absent, but somehow the wounds inflicted during the final and fatal battle moments prior to Time Compression had reappeared and were now slowly dripping warm blood onto the cracked stone floor. In spite of realizing his dire predicament, he didn't know where to go. Since he remained completely in the dark as to the current status quo, Seifer was disinclined to simply stroll into the nearest town. Unaware of how much time had passed during his entrapment in Time Compression and not even sure how he had gotten out in the first place, he couldn't assume anything. Whether or not Ultimecia lived. Whether or not he would be killed on sight. Whether or not SeeD was still around.

Unable to determine a course of action with this little information available to him, Seifer decided to spend the night at the orphanage where he at least enjoyed some shelter from monsters and other unwanted guests. In the morning he would leave and try to cautiously approach the first person or town he stumbled across, in the hopes they wouldn't recognize him and be of some help. Unhappy with such a flawed plan and not all that sure he could fight in his current condition, Seifer didn't like the thought of venturing out so blindly and unprepared, but there was no other way. Staying here wouldn't do him any good.

Reluctantly getting up from his choice of perch by the window, he stretched and massaged his legs in a futile attempt to subdue the sensation of pins and needles, wincing at sore muscles and possibly a few broken bones protesting his sudden movements. As he carefully limped towards what used to be the bedroom he had shared with the other boys at the orphanage, some of the deeper gashes started to bleed profusely, leaving a crimson trail in his wake. Exhausted by the time he managed to reach the only relatively sheltered area of the orphanage still sporting a door he could close, Seifer gratefully sat himself down in the farthest corner of the room to settle in for the night. Trying his best to not to feel too alarmed at how drained he was feeling from the minor relocation and the sight of his blood pooling beneath him, he took a few deep steadying breaths before taking off his trench coat and ripping it apart. Pained as he was at destroying his treasured trademark coat, the necessity of not bleeding to death was slightly more urgent than his sense of fashion. The thing had already been in ruins to begin with anyway, soaking with blood in some places and hardly a great source of warmth to weather cold nights. Using the fabric to tightly bind his wounds, he hoped he would be able to last long enough to make it somewhere safe the next day. For now all he could do was rest in the hopes he would regain some of his strength by sunrise.

If only he _could_ fall asleep that is. Once practical issues had been dealt with to the extent they possibly could be dealt with in this kind of situation, an entirely other order of thoughts started to creep into the ex-knight's mind. Thoughts of the war and his part in it. Thoughts of the subsequent punishment he had suffered. Thoughts of pain induced hallucinations and heart wrenching screams. Seifer growled in annoyance and tried to rearrange himself more comfortably against the unyielding stone wall. Cold, hunger and pain he could deal with. But this ... His entire past was one big ugly episode of suppressed anger, violence and arrogance, demanding him to scrutinize and analyze it until some understanding would dawn on him. Never had he realized the flaws in his actions until it was too late, until he had hurt too many people in the process and had passed the point of no return.

He would like to believe Ultimecia had stripped him from his free will, but Seifer knew this hadn't been the case. Sure, she had sweetly coaxed him with poisonous words and lofty promises of grandeur, casting a haze of hypnotizing and binding magics over him to reassure him he was doing the right thing. But in the end his clever Sorceress had merely played out the desires and fears buried deep within his heart. He was still able to recall the utter feeling of elation coursing through his veins when Ultimecia had first made him her Knight. Drunk on power and his sense of conscience clouded, he had soared on his Sorceress' high and had obeyed her every order, eager to prove his worth. Even now he couldn't claim he didn't miss that thrilling sensation of invincibility and absolute certainty. No longer weighed down by moral consideration or remorse and blissfully free from the restraints of society and authority, it had become dangerously easy to act unreservedly on his darkest desires to beat down all who had scorned him and force the world to acknowledge his existence. Acts he would normally have refrained from were now positively alluring in their darkness. The blurring of his sense of right and wrong might have been Ultimecia's doing, easing her Knight into answering her every bidding, but the thirst for blood and recognition had been his and his alone. He could blame it on his childhood marred by abandonment or his youth spent in a military institution, training to become a killer, but he wouldn't. There had always been cruelty in his heart, it merely remaining dormant and untapped until Ultimecia's meddling.

Especially gratifying to his megalomania, Seifer had wickedly enjoyed having the band of do-gooders at his mercy in D-District Prison, especially reveling in satisfaction at the rare and haunting screams wrenched from tightly clenched jaws every time he sent currents of electricity to rack his rival's body. For the first time in his entire life torture had accomplished what years of taunting and badgering couldn't, those pale blue eyes fixated solely on him, seeing only him. It had proved addicting fast. Target of such a mesmerizing gaze, Seifer hadn't cared in the slightest whether it was fear, disbelief or hate shining so heatedly in those increasingly grey orbs. At the time the ex-knight had felt entirely justified in his actions, thrilled with the opportunity to show Squall once and for all just who was the top dog in their rivalry, but now the memory of the cruel fulfillment he had experienced at the brunet's pained cries made bile rise at the back of his throat. If knights were supposed to show their value and chivalry in heroic battles and fair spars, then where did that leave him? There was nothing honorable about chaining an unconscious and wounded man to a wall, torturing him without allowing a chance at self-defense. Scoffing at the romantic notions he used to hold so dearly in the past, the ex-knight now saw the irony of it all. Instead of a knight he had become a murderer and a torturer, setting up his own demise along the way.

In sudden realization, it struck the blond as odd how his recollection of crimes committed during the war was becoming increasingly vague and distant, the time spent alongside his Sorceress somehow blurred as he tried to reminisce it properly. But yet the sight of Squall heavily hanging down from his chains after Seifer was finished with him remained deeply engrained within his memory. Beating down insurgents. Spearheading raids. Ordering the firing of missiles headed for Trabia and Balamb Garden. Taking over and commanding Galbadia Garden. Seizing control over Lunatic Pandora and aiding in unleashing the Lunar Cry. All of it was now reduced to indistinct images littered across the wreckage of his mind, surreal and blanching in comparison with the acute sharpness and clarity of that one image of a ruined brunet.

As Seifer's frustration mounted, sleep still eluding him, he harshly slammed the back of his head into the wall several times in an attempt to empty his mind. But unfortunately his fucked up psyche was dead set on having him complete this taxing trip down memory lane, the torture he had endured during Time Compression obviously not enough of a punishment. Not that Seifer believed sufficient penance leading to redemption was attainable in his case, even if he suffered for all eternity from electrocution, mental torment and regret. But he felt grateful enough to have at least electrocution deleted from the list.

By now total darkness had enveloped the room, not even the slightest bit of moonlight providing the blond with reprieve. Seifer had become wary of the dark, likening it much to the void of Time Compression and Ultimecia's wicked tastes. No longer comforted by abundant colors and the warmth of the sun, the ex-knight battled his sudden irrational fear of being pulled back into Time Compression. The sound of waves crashing in the distance and the wind whistling through cracks of stone were proof enough he was still right here at the orphanage, but it did little to put him at ease. Looking over to the rotting wooden frames of small children's beds, Seifer was still puzzled at abruptly yet completely remembering his childhood, not understanding how he could have forgotten in the first place. _Chicken-wuss, Instructor, Messenger Girl, Cowboy, Sis' and Puberty Boy. Even Matron and Headmaster._ They all had been here. It was confusing beyond measure and he wasn't certain these supposed memories were even real. For all he knew his Sorceress had planted them in his mind, to further aggravate him with the knowledge that he had set out to wipe out the closest thing he had ever known to a family and had bedded a woman that had been much like a mother for most of his life. It surely sounded like something Ultimecia would find amusing.

His Sorceress had not been pleased with the disappointment her Knight had turned out to be and hadn't refrained from showing her contempt towards him. Mind games and various punishments of rivaling inventiveness had become a daily routine ever since his failure at D-District Prison. But more so than letting the prisoners escape, something else had incensed her fury. Unsure till this day as to how he had somehow managed to anger her in ways unbeknownst to him, Seifer had still shown repentance at displeasing her. But it had been to no avail, her attitude towards him irreversibly soured. From that day onwards he had unquestioningly and obediently accepted her torturous play and vulgar touch alike, not daring to lament the loss of gilded whispers and soft caresses. But the relief at being allowed to remain by his Sorceress' side hadn't lasted long.

The memory of betrayal and rejection still fresh in his mind, the blond thought back to the moment Ultimecia had abandoned him at Lunatic Pandora. Wounded and bleeding, the ex-knight had been waiting for his Sorceress to retrieve and heal him, the feeling of her magic draining from his worn out body at first not registering with him. Seifer could still perfectly recollect the exact moment he realized he had been discarded. The sudden lucidity of his thoughts had been frighteningly sobering, the filter through which he had experienced reality abruptly stripped from him. His world had been died a crimson red, when before everything had been neutral blacks and whites. Left to bleed in the shadows, the ex-knight had been awaiting death for what seemed to be an eternity, disbelief and fear slowly making way for deadened lethargy. Maybe that's why he now hated the dark.

But he hadn't died. Him dying wouldn't have been satisfactory enough to his Sorceress.

After Ultimecia had vengefully pulled him into Time Compression, things became confusing and unclear. Vague memories of him bringing up his sword to her neck, resulting in his first taste of her devastating Thundaga magic, made him wonder how he had conjured up the courage and strength needed to oppose his Sorceress in such an audacious manner. He could remember seething anger reddening his vision, his hands clenching painfully around Hyperion's hilt, but not the reason behind it.

What followed was an endless stretch of nothingness, his entity dissipating and unraveling as he floated in time. Unannounced jolts of agonizing, blood-churning pain were the only thing able of snapping him out of his lifeless state, temporarily reminding him of all the just reasons for this harsh treatment before slipping back into darkness. Eons of nonexistence had aged his weary soul, tingeing it with despair. The only thing standing out in his mind was the sudden appearance of a ghost like brunet. The images were already growing hazy and indistinct, even though it felt like it had only happened mere moments ago.

Widened, vibrant blue eyes. Warmth. A hand reaching out. Blood that wasn't his. Seifer was sure it had been Leonhart, the violent surge of conflicting emotions connected to his long time rival all too familiar. But whether it had really been Puberty Boy, a fabrication of his guilt laden psyche or a hallucination induced by a rift in the time continuum remained to be seen. Suspecting the event somehow had a hand in his release from Time Compression, the blond felt frustration at his continued lack of understanding, as he kept mulling things over and over in his mind.

Consumed in thought, Seifer did not notice the tiny flicker of blue light just above the door giving entrance to the bedroom, identical to a little lamp now flashing in the Surveillance Headquarters at Balamb Garden, signaling the perimeters set up at Edea's house had been breached.

* * *

Dinner had been extremely uncomfortable so far, guards lined up against the walls not exactly inducive to relaxed conversation. Somewhat awkwardly Loire had apologized for the excessive security measures, stating that it was just an unfortunate matter of protocol, though all the whilst he was eyeing Kiros in an accusing manner. Not that Selphie had felt any bit deterred by the looming presence of armed men, promptly flopping herself down on the chair to the immediate right of the president as soon as they were shown inside of the dining room. Squall didn't particularly care about being considered a security threat. He just wanted to eat and turn in for the night, socialization not at all a priority of his at this point, but he couldn't just up and leave when he was expected to show some form of gratitude in return of the received hospitality. So he was now effectively forced to sit through a five course meal. _Not_ his idea of fun. And the company wasn't exactly making it any easier on him either.

Kiros seemed to be deeply absorbed in thought, every once and a while gazing up at the young gunblader seated directly across him, only to shift his gaze to the president to his left and back again. Not used to being the target instead of the source of such an intense glare, Squall quickly grew uncomfortable with the man's continued scrutiny. Adding to that the occasional worried glances of Irvine and Ellone, his patience was waning at an alarming rate. But what he truly couldn't wrap his mind around were the almost anxious looks he would receive from the president. _What the hell?_ If they were so afraid he would go raving mad on their asses, then why even bother with this charade? Opting to fix his attention on the roasted pheasant in front of him, arranged neatly on expensive china, he tried to block out the sensation of eyes on him and vaguely listened to Selphie prattling on, probably the only one in the room not catching on to the suffocating atmosphere. The oblivious girl had been happily monopolizing the conversation as well as Loire, the president seemingly baffled at having the tables turned on him, not getting a single word in edgewise. Squall preferred it that way. Like this nobody would expect him to take part in one or the other boring discussion, demanding the gunblader to offer his opinion on Esthar. He doubted any of them would appreciate it much, the brunet having always preferred bluntness over tact.

Suddenly he felt tickling ice gently stroking the inside of his skull, dulling the headache that had been taking root there since earlier that evening and softly demanding Squall's attention.

/What do you want./

_~I'm bored, Little Lion. Entertain me.~_

/Your entertainment is none of my business./

_~Don't be like that. Let's have some fun.~_

/I don't think I want to know the things you classify as fun./

Silence stretched on for a while, as he felt Shiva taking in her surroundings, examining the five other people seated at the large dining table. Suddenly noticing the roasted pheasant had now been replaced with a tall champagne glass filled with a suspicious looking yellow-greenish substance, Squall was wondering whether the servants here were extremely stealthy or he was disturbingly absentminded.

"Asparagus mousse with peas and parsley."

"What?" Looking up, the brunet realized Loire was apparently addressing him. The man now pointed at the glass sitting in front of him.

"You were giving your food this funny look. I know it looks kinda gross, but it's tasty. Even Ward thinks it's good and he usually doesn't like vegetables. You should try it."

The room had totally quieted down, everyone now curiously eyeing the president, Squall and his asparagus mousse. _Okay..._ _This is weird_. The clumsy choice of topic alerted the reticent brunet to the fact that Loire for some reason wanted to strike a casual conversation with him. Warily examining the man, Squall was surprised to see the retired soldier fidgeting on his chair, eyes brimming with some unknown emotion. _Is he nervous?_

"Ah, never mind! You don't have to if you don't want to! I figured you'd be hungry if you didn't eat anything soon. You didn't seem to like any of the previous courses, so... well... I just thought that... ha ha...." The man was now scratching his hair in an apologetic manner, laughing awkwardly and trying to look at anything but Squall.

_~Tsk tsk. That's no way to treat such a generous host, Little Lion. There's no harm in indulging him. Besides, my magic cannot sustain you indefinitely and your companions might worry if you continue this habit of not eating anything for days on end.~_

There was no arguing such logic, but as always, Squall was suspicious of the Ice Goddess' motives, already understanding her games well enough to know she had something up her sleeve. But for the sake of abating the president's unease, the brunet decided to give in just this once and reluctantly brought down his spoon to the champagne glass in order to have a taste of the green goo.

"...It's... interesting...", he commented sparingly.

_~You're hopeless, Little Lion. A little more enthusiasm wouldn't have hurt.~ _

But Squall could sense she was pleased enough. He wasn't entirely sure, though, whether or not he liked the almost hopeful look Loire was now sending him. _It's just damned vegetable mousse!_

_~Everyday I'm amazed at the new levels of obliviousness you manage to manifest. This isn't about his concern with your displeasure at the food, Little Lion.~_

/Then what the hell is this about?!/

_~You are astonishingly blind to the people around you, but why should I point out what you can't see? Insult and scorn is all I ever receive as a reward for the guidance I offer you.~_

/You've never done anything warranting my gratitude, Shiva./

_~But I did. Your Knight is now...~_

/Would you for once shut up about Seifer! I'm through with this particular topic of yours. And I don't need you to enlighten me in respect of my so called _obliviousness _either!/

_~Your wish is my command.~_

/... ... /

_That was almost too easy._ Tired of Shiva's fickle moods and his headache playing up again with the retreat of soothing ice, Squall was now desperately longing for a bed to lay himself down on. Looking up, he saw the conversation had picked up once more, his meager offering of an attempt at kindness apparently accepted by the president. Deciding he had fulfilled his social duties for the night and hoping to avoid any further awkward moments, the brunet rose from his chair to excuse himself.

"Where're you going off too? We didn't even have dessert yet." The cowboy grabbed him by his still sore wrist, impeding his flight. Wincing at the sudden throbbing of cut skin, Squall could only glare at the auburn haired man, silently conveying the message that he wanted to be left the hell alone.

"I don't mind. If he's not hungry, he's not hungry." Loire had now also stood up, a careful smile gracing his features. "Besides, he looks like he could use some sleep. Isn't that right?"

Grateful for the unexpected help, Squall could only nod in affirmation, much to the marksman's exasperation.

"But..."

"He's a grown man, Irvine. I'm sure he'll be fine by himself." Unable to dispute the sudden firm words of the president and thus efficiently silenced, the cowboy slumped back down on his chair in defeat. Pleased, Loire turned back to face Squall.

"I understand you need your rest for now, but I was hoping to have a chance at speaking with you in private before your departure. There is much I'd like to discuss and I would greatly appreciate you granting me some of your time."

Surprised at the abrupt change in demeanor, Squall wasn't sure just what was going on as there was nothing of importance for them to discuss.

"If this concerns matters of diplomacy between Esthar and Garden, I'm not the person you need. In these times of peace my title of Commander is just that. A title. I advise you to speak with either headmaster Cid or Martine."

"You misunderstand me. I want to speak with _you_. This is unrelated to Garden or SeeD."

In the back of his mind he could hear Shiva laugh in an obnoxious I-told-you-so manner, puzzling Squall even further. What on earth did Loire want with him?

"Uhm, Laguna... Don't you think Squall should focus on getting better now? Today left us nothing to go by, so Odine will still have to do a lot more examinations. Can't this wait until later?"

"Ellone is right. And don't forget your schedule for the rest of the week. You'll be busy, especially now with the ambassadors of the Shumi Tribe visiting. This can surely wait."

Both Ellone and Kiros were now looking at Loire almost pleadingly, but the man kept his gaze fixed on Squall, calmly awaiting his reply. Irked by the incessant meddling in his affairs, the young gunblader was sick and tired of others making decisions in his stead. He would do what he very damn well pleased.

"We can speak in the morning."

The slight smile now broadened into the full fledged variant Squall remembered all too well from the dream sequences he had experienced in the past.

"That's great! In the morning it is then!"

Unable to keep up with such swift mood swings, he grunted out his confirmation before turning his back on the dining room along with its occupants, relieved at the prospects of some much needed solitude.

Once in his room Squall rummaged through the small duffel bag he had taken along on this trip to retrieve his favorite grey drawstring pants and a white tee much too big for his tiny frame. As he headed for the bathroom, he couldn't stop jumbled images and contradictory emotions from intruding his mind. All this time he had been occupied with maintaining a composed appearance in front of his friends, but now there was nothing to distract him from his own thoughts. Stepping into the shower and turning the faucet, the fatigued brunet welcomed cold water to calm his nerves, but he was in need of something far more potent.

/Make it colder./

_~Aren't you a fickle one. Do you need me or do you wish to be free of me?~_

/Both./

An annoyed sigh was immediately followed by a sudden jet of intense icy water streaming down the gunblader's lithe figure, the Ice Goddess purposefully not letting the water freeze in spite of its extreme low temperature. Intensely enjoying the numbing effect of Shiva's touch, Squall slowed down his breathing and focused completely on the soothing sensation of his body rapidly chilling to the bone. Sensory input dulling and heartbeat weakening, he let heavy eyelids flutter closed as he embraced Shiva's core. It was the surest way for him to wear himself out and achieve sleep.

_~I don't even need to lure you into my embrace anymore. You come to me willingly now.~_

No longer capable of coherent thought, let alone objection, Squall gave no sign of having heard her statement. Instead he sank down to his knees and rested his head against the shower wall, awaiting deep sleep.

_~ That was almost too easy.~_

Squatting down under the showerhead beside her lovely lion cub, Shiva rested her head on Squall's pale shoulder and drew an arm around his shivering form, lazily ghosting elegant fingertips along frozen skin. Pressed closely together, she planted a chaste kiss on the nape of his neck, drawing out a long sigh of contentment.

_~Let's have a nice dream, Little Lion. Let's seek out your Knight.~_

_

* * *

  
_

Seifer let his eyes take in the sight of gentle waves rolling onto the beach, the sound soothing and the accompanying salty winds playful. The late afternoon sun warmed his skin and basked him in a golden glow. He had stripped off all his clothes, except for black combat pants, and was now absentmindedly digging his toes into pale sand, the feeling almost nostalgic, reminiscing him of a long forgotten childhood. For the life of him, he couldn't remember why he had been so stressed out mere moments before, his mind now blissfully empty. Fully relaxed, he dropped down onto his back and closed his eyes to better focus on the sounds of the sea and the scent that hung in the air.

Suddenly the atmosphere seemed to shift, the winds picking up in velocity and the sea turning restless. Reluctant to leave his little piece of heaven, Seifer stubbornly remained in place, eyes still shut closed. As he heard footsteps approaching and eventually felt a shadow looming over him, he surprisingly didn't feel ill at ease, the arrival of this stranger somehow unthreatening yet sharpening his awareness. The sound of sands shifting around him and the unexpected feeling of firm legs straddling him managed to stir his curiosity, but still he refused to open his eyes, finding excitement in not knowing who the perpetrator was and bizarrely interested in the stranger's intentions. The man – he knew it was a man by the feel of lithe yet strong thighs astride him and a subtle musky scent laced with spice and gunpowder – apparently seemed unbothered with Seifer's unperturbed reaction to his presence and continued to place both his hands beside the ex-knights head, leaning in close. Strands of hair and soft puffs of breath now tickling the blond's face, he knew there was no innocence or pretense in the actions of the bold man atop of him, only purpose and need, which suited Seifer just fine. He hadn't been prepared, though, for the electrifying desire coursing through him at the mere feel of a moist tongue lapping at the pulse in his neck and hips grinding down into his own.

"... Seifer ..."

Aside from the heady edge, the dulcet voice calling out his name had sounded almost dangerously familiar. In a sudden acute need to know, the blond opened his eyes and found himself staring into intense silver. Confused and having to blink a couple of times before further registering silky chocolate hair framing a beautiful pale face and perfect bow shaped lips, Seifer felt his heart momentarily still at the surreal sight before him. Easily forgetting about silver that should have been pale blue grey, the blond tried to wrap his mind around a naked Leonhart regarding him with a hunger suggesting something Seifer wasn't entirely sure he could accept.

But the choice was taken from him as wet lips met his own in a violent kiss, hindering independent thought and demanding for Seifer to return the brunet's fervor in kind. Forgetting all about why this was wrong when it felt so damn good, the blond decided that if he was going to do this, he might as well take control, the need for dominance coming natural to him whenever it concerned his younger rival. Flipping the frail man over, the ex-knight reveled in having Leonhart pinned down beneath him, the feeling of their hard bodies connected in sinful touch absolutely intoxicating. Yearning to quell the sudden desire consuming him, Seifer explored supple skin, flexing his fingers and spreading them greedily to grope as much flesh as possible. Dipping down to ravish that wet inviting mouth, he couldn't help but moan into the kiss as a cool tongue slipped inside to caress his palate, teeth and gums. Quickly ending the torturous sensation, Seifer drew the adept appendage into a passionate joining with his own tongue, sloppily meshing them together and lapping at skin and flesh wherever and whenever the need arose. Drunk with delicious sounds elicited from panting pink lips, the blond pulled the delectable creature squirming beneath him in need into his lap, gruffly kneading firm ass cheeks and salaciously rubbing his clothed erection against the brunet's taut stomach. He was instantly rewarded with a strangled gasp and short nails dragging along his shoulders, no doubt leaving red marks in their wake. Leonhart arched into his touch beautifully, sharp teeth biting down on his abused lower lip and eyes wrenched shut in pleasure.

Suppressing a chuckle at the ease with which he could make the young gunblader writhe in his embrace, Seifer made to kiss the man once more but startled at the feel of sudden cold gathering around cool fingers digging deep into his back, the strange sensation rapidly spreading further along his skin. Examining heavy lidded silver eyes, the ex-knight grew tense at seeing a frightening storm of emotions staring back at him.

_~I found you, my Knight.~_

At those words resounding in his mind, Leonhart's pale lips unmoving, Seifer's instincts screamed at him to throw the man off and run, run as far as he could, but he remained frozen in the tight embrace. His heart now thumping madly in his chest, the ex-knight was unable to tear his gaze away from the hauntingly beautiful brunet seated in his lap, as he registered all the little changes he should have noticed before. There was definitely something more female and seductive about his rival, the brunet's wanton behavior uncharacteristic and the skilled nature of his kiss and touch contradicting the man's supposed inexperience in sexual dealings.

"Who are you?", Seifer demanded to know.

_~I am your Lion and you are my Knight.~_

The curt statement his only reply, Seifer felt strangely compelled by the ethereal brunet. He was hopelessly being drawn in by that mesmerizing gaze promising him hell and ecstasy all at once. When the brunet forcefully pushed Seifer onto his back again, hungrily kissing his broad chest while undoing obstructing combat pants, all resistance drained from him. Pants discarded and his weeping erection exposed to cool air, the ex-knight gasped at Leonhart's icy touch, impossibly cold fingers grabbing his engorged member and languidly stroking it. Chilled lips reconnected with his warm mouth and resumed their passionate ministrations, the brunet's arctic breath penetrating his lungs and almost freezing them to the point of suffocation. Every stretch of skin the man touched felt as if stung by needles, bitter cold taking over every fiber of his being and seeping into the sand beneath them. Above them the wind was now howling as if sensing the uncontrollable lust consuming them. Violent waves were crashing and foaming wildly, high tide driving them dangerously close to the pair of lovers oblivious to the world around them.

It felt good. Unbearably good. Not understanding how such mindless elation and stinging cold was even possible, Seifer grew belatedly fearful of the rampant experience. Looking up at the brunet, the ex-knight noticed a thin layer of frost had formed, covering pale skin tinged blue with a soft icy shimmer. Tiny snowflakes were clinging to long lashes and choppy bangs, framing silver eyes that were now glowing ferociously, sexual desire and ice magic whirling just beneath their surface. Freezing winds whipped at chocolate hair, blowing it in every possible direction. The resulting sight was absolutely breathtaking.

"You're fucking gorgeous, Leonhart."

_~And you burn like the sun.~_

As the brunet took Seifer's right hand and placed it on his chest, the blond could feel frozen skin sizzle, melting ice and water dripping down a snow white belly. Jerking his hand back from the brunet's chest in apprehension, Leonhart merely snickered, obviously not hurt by the heated touch. Instead lascivious hunger flared in those enrapturing eyes, desperately demanding more of that same heat. No longer stalling, the icy beauty maneuvered himself over the blond's painfully hard cock, teasing his entrance against the angry red head whilst pumping his own erection with elegant fingers. Seifer could only fist the sand beneath him in anticipation, his breathing labored and eyes hard with need. At the feel of Leonhart slowly impaling himself onto his stiff cock, the sensation of cool, slick tightness ignited his every cell, sparks and fireworks impeding his vision. A deep grunt followed by a series of curses was all Seifer could manage at this point, the sensation too much for his touch starved body to handle. Throwing his head back in ecstasy, the incensed brunet now started to ride the ex-knight in earnest, each of his rough movements met with violent thrusts. Their flesh slapping in electric abandon, the paradoxical mix of melting ice and frosted breaths with cool sweat and steaming heat befuddled logical sensory input, sending their minds reeling. Looking up at his moaning lover lost in fevered coupling, Seifer felt delirium creep up on him.

Leonhart's bluish lips were slightly parted, pleasured cries escaping him every time the blond's cock was forced deep inside of him. Wherever Seifer's touch ghosted pale skin, drops of cool sweat rolled down luscious curves, almost immediately freezing over again and clinging to supple, white flesh. The smaller man slamming himself down on his cock, fierce arctic winds whirling with snowflakes lashing at chocolate hair, huge roaring waves freezing midair into majestic crystalline shapes just before they would crash down on them. It was too much. Sensing his impending orgasm, the sudden convulsing of tight, sleek muscle around his cock sent his balls clenching, spurting his load inside of the climaxing brunet. Seeing nothing but white sparks, the blond bucked up several times, riding out his orgasm and jerking the last of his seed into Leonhart's slick ass.

Panting heavily and grinning foolishly, Seifer looked up into silver eyes, expecting to see the same satisfaction he was feeling reflected in those hypnotizing orbs, but instead he found Leonhart staring down at him, eyes widened in shock and revulsion.

"...**No**."

With that one simple strained word of denial, raging winds subdued and frozen waves shattered, crashing down on them and burying their dream realm instantly.

* * *

"Squall! Hey Squall! You in there? I can hear the water running. Need help?"

Abruptly and mercilessly jerked from Shiva's hallucination, Squall was momentarily disorientated as two worlds overlapped and fought for dominance. While feeling icy water cascade down his back and vaguely registering Irvine's incessant knocking on the bathroom door, jade eyes were still staring into his expectantly, the feel of the ex-knight's softening member inside him making the brunet wanting to retch. He couldn't believe Shiva had actually gone this far to humiliate him. Forcing himself to come to his senses and focus on the real world, he renounced the illusion forced on him by the twisted Ice Goddess with all the willpower he could muster.

"...**No**." Jade eyes disappeared from sight, howling winds and the scent of sand and waves fading into nothingness.

"No what? You okay?"

Trying to gain some control over his shaky voice, Squall waited a couple of seconds before answering.

"Yes. I was taking a shower, but I'm finishing up now."

"...Okay. Thought you'd already be asleep by now, though."

_Just leave!_ His knees were hurting from the kneeling position he had been in for Hyne knows how long and almost the entire bathroom floor had somehow been flooded. _This is just great._ Pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to compose himself and banishing the feel of a hard cock buried in him from his thoughts, the brunet further steadied his voice before answering again.

"I just need another minute. I'll be right there."

"Alright. I'm off to bed then."

"... ...."

Listening to Irvine's footsteps taking the worried cowboy away from the bathroom door, Squall kept his eyes closed and tried to stop his body from trembling. Everything was hurting him, his head, his chest, his back, his ...

/You're sick./

_~Don't tell me you didn't like it.~_

/You took over my body and had me fuck the image of my rival. Of course I didn't fucking like it!/

_~Image?~_ Shiva was now outright laughing at him, her merriment at this new fucked up game of hers beyond what he had come to expect from her. Her obsession with the ex-knight was spiraling out of control.

_~Little Lion. Take a look at the state you are in. Hopefully this will manage to make you accept the truth, if my words cannot.~_

At first not understanding her, the sudden feel of warm liquid dribbling down the inside of his thighs made his heart come to a stop. Snapping his eyes open, Squall looked down between his legs, unwilling to accept what he was seeing. Blood and what could only be semen were trailing down white skin, accumulating around his knees before flushing down the drain along with icy water. His chest, hips and thighs were littered with bruises and kiss marks. Throbbing pain racked his lower backside. Mind blank in denial and starting to feel rather sick to his stomach, Squall's shaking hand reached for soap. Unsuccessful at abating the sudden violent tremors racking his body, he clumsily started to scrub down every inch of his body, not stopping until his skin was red and irritated because of the abusive treatment. Breath ragged and hands clenching, his panic mounted at not being able to scrub away the emotions now bulldozing his fractured psyche. Lightheaded with hyperventilation, the brunet felt the room tilting and the edges of his vision blurring, before his world went dark.

* * *

_Author's Note_:

Soooooo.... I'm not too sure about this chapter. Hope you guys like it and have laid aside your pitchforks for now. And don't hesitate to review! It'll make my day!  
(My thanks to dragonwing4 for pointing out my settings didn't allow anonymous reviews. That's a thing of the past now! Gosh... I'm such a nitwit sometimes....)

_Author's Request_:

I'm real curious as to what kind of yaoi FF8 pairings you guys prefer, so I put up a poll at my profile. So far I have only 2 people that have voted (including myself)...  
Not much of a poll now, huh? *sigh* How much votes would one need before having claim at a decent poll result? *starts to calculate*


	5. Nightmares of a Sorceress

After suffering many hours of toiling, I finally finished a new chapter! Sorry for the long wait and thanks for the many kind reviews!  
I hope you guys like what my muses came up with this time...

And as always, this new chapter is dedicated to the ever so awesome _Chemotaxis_. It's thanks to her slave driving ways and many a chat  
sessions - which lasted well into the early morning hours - that I found the energy to pump out a new chapter just before the exams. If it  
hadn't been for this lovely lady, the long wait would have been even longer! This one is for you, B! Hope you like it!

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**Chapter Five ~ Nightmares of a Sorceress  
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It was cold outside, but not as cold as it had been a few days ago. The pristine white carpet of snow had started to melt in some places and was now changing into a grey mud like substance, especially where the children had been running around and having snowball fights. The snowmen they had made so enthusiastically not too long ago had lost most of their attire, hats and carrot noses now resting in puddles at their feet. Their once plump bodies grew more and more lopsided, their once bright smiles now hardly distinguishable from sagging faces. The sky above them was equally bleak, thick packs of ominous clouds hanging low over the frosty land and obscuring the winter sun.

This evening there wouldn't be the soothing sight of a calm winter landscape set aglow, crisp snow sparkling as if it were hiding precious jewels that soon would be hidden again once dusk set in earnestly. No. Tonight the world seemed downtrodden and the landscape outside equally uninviting. Even the usually so vibrant flower field lay barren in deep winter sleep and was shrouded in icy fogs, invisible when looking from the frosted windows of the orphanage. The only thing illuminating the ghostly scenery was a bright shaft of cold light coming from the direction of the lighthouse, every once in a while piercing through the misty air. In its wake long dark shadows were cast, whenever trees stripped bare from their leaves or unyielding stone walls stood in its path.

Rinoa let herself be swept away by the dark emotions coiling around her heart, as she took in the inhospitable scenery outside. When she had first come here, she had been so angry. Now all there was left was a severe lack of understanding and a deep-rooted sense of weariness. Seated by the window and lost in thought, she had lost track of time. Sometimes it almost felt as if time was unreal in this place. Nothing ever happened at the orphanage, the days dribbling by uneventful yet serene.

Slowly she leaned in and rested her head against the cold glass, her warm moist breath causing the window to fog over on the inside. In a sudden upwelling of nostalgia, triggering memories to resurface, she raised her right index finger and brought it to the glass, making to draw a heart like she had done so many times before as a child, even as a naïve young woman. But those had been gentler times. Now, such a childlike act no longer carried any meaning. Berating herself, she quickly drew her hand back into her lap and continued to stare into nothingness, as she mulled over her thoughts once again. Unaware of how long she had been sitting there, Rinoa was suddenly startled out of her train of thought by the sound of footsteps in the hallway downstairs, followed by the soft call of Edea's voice.

"Rinoa? Where are you?"

The footsteps now ascended the stairs leading to the raven haired woman's favorite hide out.

"Rino-- Child! Don't tell me you have been sitting here, brooding, all this time? You know, the children are asking for you. No one can read a bedtime story quite like you. Join us by the fireplace, where it's warm and cozy."

As the graceful woman entered the dusty attic room, she carefully sidestepped numerous boxes and pieces of furniture littered around randomly and walked up to the burgundy colored relic of a sofa by the little window, where Rinoa was seated.

"For the life of me, I can't understand why you've taken a liking to this place. It is absolutely freezing in here! And by now, you probably are as well. Come downstairs, sweetheart."

That kind hand reaching out and that tender smile. It never failed to soothe her weariness, even if it was just temporary. But it was enough for now. The soft glow of light coming from beyond the doorway and the fragrant traces of almost tangible heat weaving into the stale attic air with Edea's every elegant move were inviting her over, making Rinoa feel the biting cold all the more. Managing a small nod, she let herself be helped out of the sofa and quickly worked the kinks out of her numb legs and arms, before following Edea out of the attic and into the warmth.

Rinoa didn't know what she would have done without Edea. During the eleven months she had stayed here at the orphanage, the older woman had shown her nothing but patience and understanding. Never had she pried into her reasons for coming here, nor had she asked about Squall once, much to Rinoa's relief. She envied all those children for having such a kind Matron. Is this what it felt like to have a mother? Her own mother had passed away when she had been too young. She couldn't remember her voice and only knew her smiling face from pictures, not memories. Unable to cope with the loss and unable to provide the gentle care of a mother, her father had grown bitter and had responded in the only way he knew how to. He had been strict, overprotective and overbearing, fearful of losing his daughter as well. Rinoa had understood this at the time, but had left him and his domineering ways all the same. Now, belatedly, she wondered if there had been more wisdom and truth to his warnings than she had originally believed. He had implored her to stay away from SeeD. Away from Squall.

Entering the living room, uncontrolled little shivers ran down Rinoa's body as the heat emanating from the fireplace seeped into her stiffened body, cheeks blushing and eyes prickling as warm air enveloped her. As soon as the children spotted her, a barrage of questions and demands effectively pulled her from her sad thoughts. The sweet, questioning faces and enthusiastic cries of children that were attempting to dogpile her at last managed to banish her somber mood and etch a smile onto her features. Their innocence and eagerness had been heartwarming from the very first moment she had set foot in this place and ever since then she had grown fond of every single one of them.

"Will you _finally_ read us a story now?"

"Duuuuh, ofcourse she will, dummy!"

"Yeah, she always does!"

"Hey, don't kick me. I wanna sit next to Rinny. I was first! Matron, Ben kicked me!!"

"No, I didn't! You liar!"

"Children! Stop fighting and let Rinoa sit by the fire. Like that, she can warm up a little. Now, who wants some hot chocolate milk to go with that bedtime story? You'll have to promise to go straight to bed afterwards, though."

Rinoa had to suppress a smile at the sight of frowning faces, as the children now seriously contemplated the sudden dilemma of whether or not to choose hot chocolate milk over staying up late.

"But, Matron, why can't we stay up with Rinny _and_ have chocolate milk?"

"No buts or whining now, Lily. Or it's off to bed with you right this instant. Now let me--- "

The nearing sound of a rumbling engine and the intrusion of bright light flashing through the windows made Edea pause midsentence. Screeching tires came to an abrupt halt and soon brisk footsteps that sent gravel skidding across the dirt ground could be heard, approaching fast. The older woman gracefully rose from her armchair and moved to see who this late visitor was, holding aside the curtains to peer outside. A silence fell before she spoke again.

"Probably just another lost traveler… Rinoa, would you be so kind to see to it that the children get their chocolate milk, while I go help out the man?"

With these words, Edea quickly picked up a warm shawl and wrapped it around her slender frame, before stepping into the dark night. But the reassuring smile she had flashed before leaving had lacked its usual confidence and the sudden haste with which the woman had left did nothing to alleviate Rinoa's unease. There had been strangers at this doorstep before, but not once had Edea gone outside to meet any of them up ahead. The older woman hadn't wanted for this man to enter the orphanage. Did he pose a threat? Choosing to stay calm and composed, as to not alert the children, Rinoa turned around with a bright smile painted on her face and clapped her hands together to tear their attention away from where Edea had just disappeared from sight.

"I have the most wonderful idea! How about, just this once, I'll let all of you climb into my bed. We'll all cuddle up under the blankets together, while I read a bedtime story. And after that, I'll let you listen to some of my mother's songs before I tuck you in. What do you guys think?"

Easily tricked and immediately falling for her ploy to get them upstairs without complaining, happy faces beamed back at her.

"Really?! I really like your mommy's songs."

"Can we have a sleepover in your room, Rinny? Matron _never_ lets us sleep in the same room all at once, 'cause then we won't sleep. But we really will this time!"

Rinoa could hear strange noises coming from outside now. It was a soft humming intermitted with crackling sounds, like electricity snapping in the air. A faint blue glow was starting to flicker behind closed curtains, confirming her suspicions that this wasn't just an ordinary visitor. _Magic_. She had only ever seen SeeD mercenaries use it. In a hurry to get the kids safe and out of sight, she quickly continued her ruse.

"Well… I guess that depends on how good you guys behave, of course. Let's see how fast you guys are! The first to finish brushing their teeth and getting into their pajamas can pick the story I'll read. Who do you think will win?"

"I will!!!" Jumping up and down in excitement, they waited for Rinoa to give them the starting signal.

"Okay then! Ready, set, go!"

As the children bolted up the stairs, laughing excitedly, Rinoa could hear the noises getting louder. And a voice. A growling voice, trembling with anger, that rose in volume with every shout. Having made sure that all the kids were out of harm's way, she quickly moved towards the door to see what on earth was going on, but suddenly she found herself blinded by a painfully bright outburst of whirling blue light, followed by a short explosion of fluorescent green. The glass in the windows trembled and even the floor and walls seemed to shake with the powerful impact of what could only be a potent magic spell. The playful laughter on the second floor immediately died down, soon replaced with the sobs and cries of scared children. As Rinoa heard the soft patter of small feet and the creaking of the old wooden stairs, she immediately raised her voice to reach the children upstairs.

"Don't come downstairs! Stay there! All of you, go to my room and lock the door! Don't open for anybody else but me and Matron!"

Her room was located at the back of the orphanage, the windows facing the beach and not the gravel lane at the front of the building, where chaos was now erupting. She didn't want the children to see whatever was happening outside.

"Is Matron alright? Why can't we come down…"

"No! Do as I say! Go to my room and close that door! **Now!**"

Only satisfied when she could hear the last of sounds upstairs come to a quiet, sealed with the closing of a door, Rinoa finally dashed towards the front door and threw it open, unprepared for the sight she was met with.

Edea stood regally, hands raised and eyes glowing like liquid gold. Around her the air twisted and swirled in bright cyan hues, blowing her long black hair and woolen shawl every which way.

"Please listen to reason! I don't want to hurt you. My child. Stay your blade."

"Lies! You're the reason he died. If it wasn't for you… He…"

Following the familiar voice to its source, Rinoa's heart came to a stop. Further down the gravel path, next to a parked motorcycle, stood Squall. He looked paler and thinner than when she had last seen him. But his face was drawn taut in determination and the look in his eyes was filled with rage, bordering on insanity. His gunblade was directed at Edea, as was his lethal glare.

Unable to take in the absurdity of the situation, Rinoa stood frozen in the doorway. And then the reality of what she was witnessing hit her. She had expected the perpetrator to be the magic user.

Squall was standing slightly slumped, his breath ragged and dirt smearing his clothes. Both the singed leather of his gloves and jacket sleeves, wafting with dark smoke, and the aura of magical residue quivering around his gunblade betrayed he had just barely deflected a powerful spell. Where it had impacted, mere feet away from the orphanage, an uprooted tree lay felled, blackened and split down through its core. Edea stood unharmed.

"In your confusion and grief you want revenge. But I am just as saddened by his death as you are. I've never wanted for any of this to happen. Not any of it."

"He said you'd try to fuck me over with your lies!"

"My dear, the truth is much more complicated than you think. I only ever wanted to protect you. From myself."

"And now I will protect the world from you. You will be the first Sorceress I kill. I'll _burn_ you and your kind from the face of the earth."

His every syllable was accented with hate, spilling from his voice, glare and stance. Knuckles turning white and muscles drawn taut, the tightening grip on his gunblade underlined the vicious promise of his words.

"You leave me no choice, my dear child. I have too much I still need to do. Too much is at stake. This isn't just about you or me."

"But you understand why I have to do this. Don't you, Matron?"

"Yes."

That one resigned utterance, barely audible and broken as it floated on the chilled evening air, brought an end to the exchange of heated words and desperate pleas. The inevitable was set in motion as Squall brought his gunblade up high and sprinted forward, letting loose a feral growl laden with murderous intent.

A sad gleam took over Edea's golden eyes, as she amassed a red viscous mass round her right hand, fast as lightning, the searing lava bubbling and sizzling before floating in perfect spherical form above her palm.

Rinoa felt the blood drain from her face at the horrible sight of the two people she loved the most attacking each other, intending to kill. She didn't understand how Edea was conjuring up such powerful magic, nor did she know why Squall was here in the first place, thirsty for the blood of the kind woman that had taken her in, no questions asked.

Curling her elegant fingers around the pulsating orb of magma and thrusting her hand forward in one smooth motion with startling speed, Edea fired the compressed shot of magic into the air, her aim flawless and her eyes defeated. The ball of magic was now a blur of red light speeding towards Squall's chest, its trajectory precise and deadly. But he didn't slow down. His eyes only hardened further.

It was all happening too fast for Rinoa to process. With no time to think her body moved on its own accord, running forward and placing herself between Squall and Edea's magic.

"**No!**"

Edea's eyes widened in shock. With a swift hand movement the woman just barely managed to redirect the fire magic from its lethal path. At the exact same moment a strong hand roughly jerked Rinoa out of the way and sent her flying into the stone façade of the orphanage, the sickening sound of metal cleaving through flesh and bone reaching her ears by the time she collided harshly with the cold, wet ground. The impact hurt her body all over, the shattering sensation quickly joined by the coppery tang of blood that flooded her mouth. Shock and panic pumped adrenaline through her veins, her heart thumping painfully against her chest. The sequence of actions had happened in a matter of seconds, too fast for Rinoa to comprehend.

Listening to labored breathing and gurgling coughs, she didn't want to open her eyes. She was disorientated and in denial, her mind foggy and dulled down with pain. Laying perfectly still, Rinoa didn't dare to move a muscle, not sure whether it was shock or survival instinct kicking in. The sound of his gunblade being pulled out of Edea's body rang in her ears. The scraping against bone set her hairs on end. She couldn't stop her body from shaking. She couldn't get up._ This isn't happening. This isn't happening. This isn't --_

Footsteps closed in on her.

"Turn around. Show your face."

That soft voice, now eerily devoid of all emotion, blared loudly in her ears. Slowly she managed to work herself up onto her elbows and flop onto her back, all the while wincing in pain. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to hear his voice. She chose to stare at a blank point in space, refusing to meet his eye.

A soft gasp was followed by quick footsteps running to her side.

"Rinoa!... What are you... Shit. I hadn't recognized you..."

Nimble fingers carefully ghosted her ribs, abdomen and neck.

"Are you having trouble breathing?"

"... A little."

"I have some healing items stored in my motorcycle. I'll be right back."

The sound of his footsteps moving away from her. The hiss of a bike compartment opening. The rushed clinking of bottles and a series of soft curses. Then his footsteps neared again.

"Here, drink this. It's an Elixir. Just to be on the safe side."

Cupping her head and steadying it, Squall guided a small bottle to quivering lips and gently poured the tingling liquid into Rinoa's mouth, the bitterness of the medicine clashing unpleasantly with the taste of blood. She could feel his warm breath caressing her neck. She could smell his skin and hair, a deep scent she had missed desperately but had almost forgotten. Too soon warm hands retracted, after carefully cushioning her head with his leather jacket.

"Edea... What did you do. Is she--"

"I need to search the house now. Keep still and let the Elixir do its work."

As he left, she desperately tried to battle her own weakness, not wanting to cry, not wanting to beg him. Needing the distraction, she focused on the feeling of the curative potion kicking in. An uncomfortable burning and prickling sensation started to crawl its way from her stomach, slowly spreading and making her break out in a cold sweat. But the stabbing pain racking her body was finally starting to recede somewhat.

"Rinoa… Come here… You have to get up… plea …"

The strained words, laced with coughs and nauseating gurgles, caused Rinoa to snap her eyes open, the resulting view still blurred and strangely tilted as her head had slumped to one side.

"Rin--oa..."

_Thank Hyne_, Edea was still alive.

"I'm here! I'm coming!"

If she just could get some medicine from Squall's bike... It might not be too late yet. Hope rekindled her strength. Still trembling, she willed her legs and arms to move. _You're stronger than this! Get up!_ Slowly, she managed to scramble to her knees. Craning her neck, Rinoa finally spotted Edea.

A sorrowful wail erupted from deep within her, as she took in the mangled upper body of the kind Matron. At an alarming rate blood was dyeing the melting snow and gravel beneath her red. A gaping hole, slashed across chest and abdomen, exposed fractured ribs and torn organs. As quick as she could, Rinoa clambered over to where the dying woman was lying and gathered her into her arms. Softly cradling her head, she stroked long hair matted down with blood, while tears were running down her cheeks freely.

"Edea… Don't worry. I'll go find you Elixirs. I'll fix this."

"I'm beyond saving, child. You have... to listen closely. I am a Sorceress... I... can't --"

"A Sorceress.... But only SeeD can use magic. Para-magic."

"Believe me... Sorceresses are real. And we can't... die peacefully... without --"

"I thought I told you to keep still. Move away from her. She's dangerous."

She hadn't heard him approach. And now that Rinoa finally lay eyes on him again, the look of him chilled her to the bone. A spray of blood covered his clothing and face, his features strangely contorted as he eyed Edea with disgust. He didn't even seem the slightest bit perturbed by his own coldblooded act. All she could see were his empty eyes, deadened now that the job was done and his rage had subsided. It didn't match the worried voice and kind hands from mere moments ago.

"Please don't tell me you went upstairs looking like that...The children --"

"Don't worry. The children are fine. Now please move away from her. Even this weak, she can't be trusted."

"Look at her! What could she possibly do?! No... Squall, I want to know what is going on."

He merely regarded her in that cold and authoritative manner, his stare unyielding. Adverting her eyes from his demanding gaze, she looked down to where Edea's head was still resting in her lap. The woman had stopped trembling, her bloodied body now alarmingly still. Her glistening eyes stayed closed too long at times. With every heartbeat her pulse was weakening. Rinoa could _feel_ the older woman's strength draining from her.

"Why...what did she..."

Trying to keep from erupting in sobs, she nuzzled soft hair and drew her arms tight around Edea's unmoving form. Only when she could trust her voice to remain steady did she look up again.

"Don't you _feel_ anything? Wasn't she your Matron too?"

At her obvious distress his features softened somewhat, a distant trace of emotion now discernable in his eyes. Sighing, he went to pick up his abandoned leather jacket and walked to a patch of dry dirt to drop the incriminating items he had found in Edea's house to the ground. Strange orbs, shimmering trinkets and writings on thick parchment, all of it magic infused and shrouded in heavily trembling air. Rinoa had never seen any of it before. After stacking on some dry wood he had collected from beside the fireplace inside the house, Squall set fire to the small pile and watched how flames licked glass, metal and paper. Even as he spoke, his gaze remained focused on the fire.

"I should have come sooner. All this time...you were here. I thought you were at Garden."

Some items violently combusted almost instantaneously, while others strangely defied the laws of nature and resisted the onslaught of tremendous heat. When a little glass bottle cracked under the strain of extreme temperatures, a sudden outburst of magic colored the flames an eerie cold blue, managing to melt and burn even the sturdier pieces of magical equipment.

"She is a Sorceress. She has to die. But I wish you weren't here to witness it."

"Just because she is a Sorceress, she has to die? Why?! That doesn't make any sense!"

"... ..."

No reply came, as he kept staring into the blue flames, a frown gracing his brow.

"Why did you leave Garden? And me? Where have you been all this time?!"

His answer came too quick, too automated. As if he had been anticipating the question and this reply was supposed to supply sufficient justification.

"This is something I have to do on my own. I can't afford to be tied down or have someone breathing down my neck, neither superiors or you. It would slow me down."

Rinoa could only stare at him wide-eyed. Of all blunt answers, this one had to be the cruelest. So she was a burden to him. And in spite of it all, in spite of what he had just done, she couldn't just undo her feelings for him. For months, she had waited for him to return to her. The raven haired woman had pined for him, but in the end she had started to fear she would never see him again. She still loved him. Even now. She needed to believe that somehow he hadn't simply gone mad. That there was motive behind his crazed actions, even if it was based on all the wrong assumptions and tragic misunderstandings.

"I would _slow you down_? From doing what? Killing innocent women?! Why? Tell me what is going on. Please... If you still love me at all, trust me, confide in me. Please explain so that I can understand."

This was obviously an issue Squall hadn't prepared to deal with just yet. He remained silent for a while, his dilemma over what to say obvious, if the deepening of his frown was any indication. There was no adequate automated response to be droned when someone asked you why you had just impaled a seemingly innocent woman and in the process inquired whether or not you still loved them. And Rinoa was afraid to know exactly which part of her question he was mulling over so carefully.

When he finally answered her, his soft voice sounded apologetic and regretful.

"I care for you and I will do everything in my power to protect you, but... I love you as a sister. I left because I had to."

_...as a sister... _Who knew something spoken so gingerly could have such impact, such destructive power.

"You shouldn't follow where I'm going. Get away from here. Take those children with you. You'll be safe at Garden."

He took one examining glance at Edea, before continuing.

"Do what you like with her. Bury her. Burn her. I don't care."

Avoiding Rinoa's uncomprehending eyes, he finally turned around and started to walk away. Eyes fixated on his receding back, she tried to grapple with what she had just been told, tried to call him back. She didn't care about coming across as weak or pathetic. She only ever wanted him.

"Don't go... Please."

He stopped in his tracks, but didn't look back once, his voice heavy with unforgiving finality.

"I have tried for you. So hard. But... I was living a lie by your side. I refused to face my feelings for someone else... And now it is too late. And I feel empty... All I have left is my mission, this one purpose... So forget about me. Don't get in my way."

As these words sank in, Rinoa's world sank along with them, her heart now a shipwreck. Not lingering any longer to witness the damage he had inflicted, Squall just climbed on his motorcycle and drove away, out of her life and taking a piece of her with him. His quick retreat left her with too many questions. He hadn't even deemed her worthy of a decent explanation, taking the coward's way out of the conversation.

But this much was certain. He had left her. He had become a slaughterer. He loved another. Every bit of hope she had allowed herself during the months since his disappearance now drained from her, together with the last of her strength. She suddenly felt strangely detached, as her mind blanked in refusal to accept what had just transpired. Unable to sit up straight anymore, she slumped down beside Edea's body, sprawled out on the icy ground. Slowly she turned on her side and looked into the kind woman's withering eyes. Nearly all gold had left them.

"Edea?"

A soft smile graced pale lips and an unsteady hand reached out to caress Rinoa's cheek.

"What should I do? I ... I don't know what to do anymore... Don't leave me as well, Edea. Please...I can't --"

Her throat felt constricted, the painful lump preventing her from taking deep breaths. Tears burned their way to the surface again, dripping down onto snow and dirt.

"...take ... my gift...then I will always be... be with you..."

"Always?"

The reassurance in those hypnotizing eyes lulled Rinoa's sorrow and beckoned her closer. As Edea reached out, she hesitantly obliged and put her hands into those of the dying woman, huddling closer into her bloodied embrace. It almost felt as if soon everything would be okay again. Edea would fix it.

_Like this I will always be with you, Rinoa. Always._

But what followed was not what she had expected. Black smoke materialized all around them and thickened instantly, weighing down on her chest painfully and blotting out her vision. Her own breathing grew more ragged with every intake of poisonous air. The feeling of crushed bones piercing flesh, and of entrails lying exposed to the chill night air, was far too real and terrifying. The absolute and inescapable cold spreading throughout her struggling body felt like the icy fingers of death grabbing a hold of her. Panic invaded her as Rinoa realized she was dying Edea's death.

_Don't be afraid. Reach beyond death. Reach for me._

Intuitively she was drawn to Edea softly calling out to her. The soothing voice tore her mind away from the choking fear and pain, guiding her forward. She could feel the older woman gently nudging her in the right direction. As she fled dying flesh, Rinoa at last broke through the barriers of matter and energy, diving into Edea's conscience, which was starting to fall apart and disintegrate fast. There, at its core, unimaginable power bulged and distorted violently, trying to escape its dying vessel in vain.

_Take it._

And she did.

Everything became pain, excruciating and unforgiving. Everything became all encompassing power and energy, as her very soul shook under the strain of powers transferring from the dying to the living. Her blood was boiling, running thick with acid magic. It was too much. As madness tore at the edges of her psyche, she felt it twist and suppurate. An existential meltdown was imminent and inevitable. And with Edea's final breath, Rinoa opened her golden eyes to a world of agony.

_**~ I will find you. ~**_

Abruptly Ultimecia awakened from her nightmare, those menacing words still echoing eerily through the void of Time Compression. Her chest rose and fell rapidly with anger, the sudden vivid memory of betrayal reddening her vision. Any such reminder of how weak she used to be made her shudder in distaste. It was a deeply rooted self loathing directed at her former self, born from too many failures.

The nightmares had started to haunt her ever since the merging of her two beings. She had hoped to be whole again and more powerful, but instead these incessant visitations of the past kept festering and confusing her mind. Ultimecia hadn't been plagued by dreams for eons and now, grown unaccustomed to their unsettling nature, they were starting to slowly eat away at the Sorceress' mind. This particular dream reminiscing past events was but one of many, their onslaught never ending.

She dreamt of sleeping in his arms after they had made love for the first time.

She dreamt of slaughtering entire SeeD armies in a distant future, driven forward by pure rage.

She dreamt of falling into his embrace, after he had freed her from the cryo-device at the Sorceress Memorial.

She dreamt of him being the one locking her up in it.

She dreamt of drawing hearts on dampened windows.

Ultimecia could hardly distinct which past belonged to who anymore, raw emotions and conflicting memories clashing violently and fighting for supremacy. Feelings she had considered long dead and buried resurfaced one by one, making her heart bleed and ache all over again. It both contradicted and incensed her hate, her love and her intense desire to erase all of it once and for all. But as she struggled to wade through the time lines, the Sorceress found herself hauled by the waves of time against her will more and more often, endlessly washing her ashore and picking her up again. She had been ensnared in her own trap. And now the only thing that had managed to keep her consciousness from scattering across the ages had been snatched away from her as well.

Her disloyal Knight had been trapped along with her and had proven to be a potent reminder of the past she needed to remember and the vengeance she longed to exact. If it hadn't been for him, the passage of time would have already blurred her memories into one indistinguishable mess, dulling her hatred and misguiding her spirit. She would have been engulfed and carried far away from her destined purpose, sinking through the cracks of time and space. But the mere scent of that _dog_ lingering in the timeless mists of Time Compression had stirred her fury like nothing else, not allowing her to forget. Thus the vengeful Sorceress had meticulously cultivated her hatred, feeding on her Knight's life energy and strength, a parasite on his despair and pain. Greedily Ultimecia had wrapped her weakened magic around pure and warm, pulsating life, that faintly flickering soul her guiding light. And with every punishment she unleashed, her cruelty and thirst for retribution had only grown.

But he hadn't disappointed his Sorceress. He had never broken down. Not once had he begged for her to stop. As much as she admired such willpower, in retrospect it made her realize all the better how wrong a choice she had made. No Knight should ever have such strong will. And that was only one of the reasons why she should never have bonded with him. Whenever she was plagued by dreams of _him_, that disloyal dog's fowl reek was all over him, flaunting what she had failed to see for so long. It was her ironic fate to always gain knowledge of a crucial piece of the puzzle far too late into the game.

But be it how it may, it was a fortunate thing she hadn't let her discarded Knight die at Lunatic Pandora. In a way her incessant torture had saved him as much as it had saved her, the pain and delusions she forced on him keeping him from fading away into nothingness and succumbing to Time Compression. But now he was gone and it became increasingly difficult to root herself in one place and time after waking from a nightmare. Her thoughts grew more and more incoherent, as she couldn't stop her mind from being thrown into the rifts of time anymore. Desperately clinging on to her sanity, she forced herself to deconstruct her memories and fit them back together, allocating each of them to the correct past over and over again. To forget meant to perish. She would not allow it. And so far she had managed to keep apart her old past - the putrid source of her hatred - from her new past - the result of her too careless meddling with time.

The new past was still confusing her, its duality - as she had experienced it from two different perspectives at times - irreconcilable, its reality vastly different from what she thought she had known to be true, and its emotions far too fresh and not yet placed into perspective to make any sense. The old past, however, was an old wound, its scar tissue faded and its outline familiar. It was the easiest to call to mind and reconstruct. It was where she always started when lost. The only difference lay in her better understanding of past happenings. Old memories were colored with an entirely fresh array of unpleasant facts and achieved new heights of betrayal, all thanks to the insight she had gained from her new past.

No. She would never allow herself to forget. She would break free from this prison. She would arise and retaliate. And she had one glimmer of hope to justify this conviction. _He_ himself had stupidly shown her the exit when he had come for her Knight, creating a rupture with such violence that its aftershock was still rippling through Time Compression. By the time she had been able to trace it, it had nearly entirely collapsed, too faint and unstable for her to physically enter their time. But she could send through tiny slivers of her influence, reaching her consciousness out to the other side. Supposedly. It was a delicate task requiring all of her attention and skill, which proved far more difficult than it should be, now that Time Compression was gradually wearing her down. Even though she couldn't remain here much longer before she would finally lose herself, acting too hastily could jeopardize everything. On top of that Ultimecia couldn't afford to be too reckless with the scarce power she had left.

So she would extend her magic to where traces of herself were still present. Places where her magical aura lingered. Souls from which she had ripped pieces away, replacing them with the seeds of her own essence. Shiva wasn't an option, the damned Ice Witch cut loose and dangerously stronger than her now.

But there were others. She could feel them now. And as soon as she had devised a sound strategy, she would find them.

* * *

_  
Author's Note_:

For all those of you that had been hoping to see some more yummy SxS action, or at least some more SxS _anything_, I'm really terribly sorry!  
This chapter was just necessary to get some important plot points out of the way. Believe me when I say it was a bitch to write... So yeah...  
Ultimecia's back in the game! **Please review** to let me know what you think about that! Because this was by far the most nerve-wrecking chapter I  
have posted so far. I hope nobody got too bored with it. But I solemnly swear the next chapter will pick up where things left off at chapter four.  
I'm aching to write some juicier stuff again!

And some might have noticed, but I actually decided to provide my chapters with titles now. Out of the blue, really, and of no real consequence, but there you go!  
Also I've revised the previous chapters, sifting out some seriously cringe-worthy spelling errors I had overlooked previously. But I'm sure they're still far  
from flawless. So bear with me here.


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